Useful

**Devil_Dog** · 07-07-2007, 23:26

Summer of ‘98. Devil Dog has just been fired from his position as Salad Manager at Sally’s Chinese Takeout Restaurant. The future looks bleak for this misunderstood gentleman who broke a manager's jaw because a man has to maintain his dignity. After all, noboby, but nobody wants to be called a 'w.anker with dependency issues.'

After collecting his final paycheck and after being repeatedly threathened with an arrest if he ever darkened the doorways of last mentioned premises, DD heads for home. His mind is filled with nightmarish thoughts of his landlord who was at the end of his tether and patience. A landlord not averse to hiring thugs to break kneecaps -- all because he was owed a few months rent.

DD gets home, his mind in a whirl of worry and regret. Now that he thinks about it, being called a w.anker is not worth punching anyone in the jaw -- least of all your boss-- and losing your livelihood.

As he ponders his future, there is a loud pounding on the door. Who could it be at this time of night? It’s past 11PM and DD knows that unless it’s the police nobody comes knocking on his door at this hour. That or whoever was on the other side of the door was there to pump silenced rounds in to his head. He breaks into a cold sweat.

Thinking quickly, our hero gets rid of the magazine he is reading (ubiquitously titled “Pimping Quartely”) by throwing it into the darkest recesses of the room. He gets up to open the door and luckily remembers to tuck his manhood back into his pants.

He swings the door open and his heart skips a bit.

She stands there with the glow of a bride on the morning of her wedding. Statusque, regal, and fetching, she is dressed in a miniskirt so small and tight, for a moment DD thinks she is wearing nothing but a belt. Her blouse, white and slightly wet from the light rain outside, struggles desparately to keep her creameries in place.

Without missing a beat, DD clears his throat and says with feigned indignation,”Mother, how many times do I have to tell you to call before coming over?”

“Sorry son,” the woman says. “Can I borrow some sugar?”

DD points to the kitchen as the lady brushes past him and wriggles her shapely bottom into the room. The urge to slap her behind gently and playfully is almost overwhelming but he resists. Not tonight, he thinks, I have a headache.

The lady, who has now been identified as DD’s mother turns around and says,” I saw your father today. He is such a loser. Can you imagine he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted a threesome with that slut of his?”

Under other circumstances, DD would not have hesistated to mention that the aforementioned slut used to be his girlfriend before she fell for the charms of DD Sr, but he is barely listening to his mother. His eyes are fixed on her legs. He remembered all the times he ran his tongue up and down those thighs.

If only he didn’t have a headache....

**OOMPALOOMPA** · 08-07-2007, 00:25

Pulled a bird in Tiff's in Blandford one night, took her back to her billet! Her nickname was "COMPO" and I was too pissed to realise that she was a dirty fessin mutant!!! Anyway, ragged her all night and licked every part of her fessin boddy. Woke up the next mornin with a woody from hell and proceded to give her the good news again. Turned her over on all fours and started giving her the good news, as you do !!! Thought it would be interesting to part her cheeks as I was doing it and gazed upon the biggest growth of Anal Warts this side of Chisondom!!!! Shocked as i was, I closed my eyes, thought of Pamela and chucked it over them!!!! Its been 7 years and no sign of any little cabbabies!! Thank f**k!!!

**Brew_Time** · 08-07-2007, 12:24

Originally Posted by OOMPALOOMPA

Pulled a bird in Tiff's in Blandford one night, took her back to her billet! Her nickname was "COMPO" and I was too pissed to realise that she was a dirty fessin mutant!!! Anyway, ragged her all night and licked every part of her fessin boddy. Woke up the next mornin with a woody from hell and proceded to give her the good news again. Turned her over on all fours and started giving her the good news, as you do !!! Thought it would be interesting to part her cheeks as I was doing it and gazed upon the biggest growth of Anal Warts this side of Chisondom!!!! Shocked as i was, I closed my eyes, thought of Pamela and chucked it over them!!!! Its been 7 years and no sign of any little cabbabies!! Thank f**k!!!

FKN good drills mate - that was my missus. Was she thin cos she had AIDS as well.

BT.

**old_fat_and_hairy** · 08-07-2007, 12:48

Once upon a time, in a small German town, with a river running through it, and a barracks named after a Field Marshal, I met a woman at a bar, in a party of about 9 people. She was married, but not to anyone from my regiment. Her husband was well-refreshed, and she asked me to help take him home. being a gallant gent, I did this favour, and after we had put him to bed, she did me sveral favours.
a few days later, during a summer eve, when her husband was on duty at a nearby garrison, she and I were practicing horizontal yoga, when we heard a car stop outside. It was hubby, arriving back early. She bundled my clothes into my arms, and pushed me toward the balcong ( it was flats on married quarters). I got to balcony, and as it was just one floor up from ground, I jumped off and rolled safely. Standing up, I hear strange sounds, which turned out to be most of the married pads from my battalion all on balconies having BBQ's, and they gave me a standing ovation. I bowed, then realised I was naked. I did get to my best mates barby, 3 doors away, and stood with drink in one hand burger in other, as g/fs hubby scanned the area looking for burglar.

**Biscuits_AB** · 08-07-2007, 13:08

One of the funniest shag stories I've ever heard wasn't so much 'funny' but more 'you're f*cking joking?' and that was when one of you dirty b*stards impregnated Blessed Baby Cakes.

Have a look in the gallery...there's f*ck all 'babycakes' about it. She is a one fat salad dodging f*cking munter.

Whoever you are...you must have one f*cking sense of humour when you're p*ssed...or a white stick and a lab.

**Morty** · 08-07-2007, 20:12

I once pulled my laughable, half erect cock out of this girl only to realise the condom with it's special load had stayed inside. The wet smacking noise it made when I whipped it out still makes me chuckle.

**pupgreen** · 08-07-2007, 20:18

ehm,,, no... ive chickened out,, too many people know me here....

**looney** · 08-07-2007, 20:29

Pad shagging, its bad. Bad bad doggy, no biscuit.

**PrincessBeatrice** · 08-07-2007, 20:38

Originally Posted by pupgreen

ehm,,, no... ive chickened out,, too many people know me here....

Oh my God!!!!! You said that to someone, just as she was expecting you to shag her? What did she say?

**pupgreen** · 08-07-2007, 20:50

no ok the story goes...back in the dark days of the battle of ulster,,1977ish a young ,, very young,,,pup goes for a night out to a ,,safe,, bar and disco,, ballamena way in ulster,,,we go in ,, having a great time,, i pull this quite reasonable irish lass,, --tonsile tennis..-suggest we get some air ,,,go out to covert car in car park, and proceed to,, give her one,,,deed done we return to bar and continue to drink,,,my mate comes running up screaming am i ok..yes why...he drags ,,,drags me into the bogs,,looking down im covered in blood,,,all over my groin area ,,,
white chinos are ready for the bin...christ he says she must have been on the blob.. at which point i chuck up over him ,,, remembering,,,id just earned my red wings.....neadless to say we didnt stay much longer and i didnt kiss her goodnight...