ARmy Rumour SErvice

**ham-shank** · 05-10-2005, 20:35

Thanks chaps. But the advice so far isn't gripping me. Just spoken to a colleague and he has suggested placing the hairy, swampy old boot on e-bay. Apparently, there are some rather strange people ( Cornish, perhaps?) out there who'd pay good money to have an abominable OAP p*ss all over their house. I think I'll give it a go. Any ideas on how I should word the advert? I don't want to put people off, so the advert would have to be a fine balance between attracting the bids of those with a strong streak of Christian charity and the afficianados of MILF (Moms I'd Like to Fukc) porn and Swamping/Water Sports fun. Any suggestions gratefully received.

**filthyphil** · 06-10-2005, 04:13

If she's that fcuked in the head, phone her and tell her xmas is off because you've been bombed out by the luftwaffe, with a bit of luck she'll die from shock.
handy hint: have a kettle whistling in the background for realism.

**Sabre** · 06-10-2005, 05:25

Just say youve been either extended or called back to work, then go hang out with the singles and then you can just get drunk, and swamp all there beds whilst there on leave, or better yet take off and go on holiday on ya own, pick up some strippers and havea blast, just remember to say its in a place where mobile phones dont work, just make sure you take cash with you as she might try and check where you are if you use credit cards!!.

By the time you get back Xmas will be over youll be partied out and content, and best is the urine gumming old hag will have gone, and your wife will have dried the couch's/and bed!

**Steven** · 06-10-2005, 07:13

Right so you have been threatend with a visit from someone who swamps all over the place, looks a right fcuking mess in the mornings, farts like a dog with stomach ache and injures themselves trying to get their hands on something they want. Sound about right?

Does this not remind you of something?

Thats right you are being visited by a hyped-up concentrated drunken version of yourself. :D

**BiGbAddAbOOm** · 06-10-2005, 07:52

Tell her that Frankenshank can stay with the following rules.

1) Mrs Shank cleans up all piss/shit/dribble
2) Covers all valuble furniture/carpet in plastic sheeting
3) Conversation to frankenshank from you will be limited to hello/goodbye at all other times you may be busy elsewhere
4) Frankenshank wears nappies
5) Kids have mobile with enough credit to cover their calls to child line for when they are frightened
6) Every meal for her WILL me laced with diazipam
7) If she interupts the queems speach, this will be counted as treason, dressed in black and left in the fast lane of the nearest motorway for summary execution.

Congical rites we be observed throughout the festive season or rules 1 - 7 will be null and void and hte old bat should be sent to canada.

J

**ham-shank** · 06-10-2005, 13:59

Originally Posted by Steven

Right so you have been threatend with a visit from someone who swamps all over the place, looks a right fcuking mess in the mornings, farts like a dog with stomach ache and injures themselves trying to get their hands on something they want. Sound about right?

Does this not remind you of something?

Thats right you are being visited by a hyped-up concentrated drunken version of yourself. :D

Hmmm................. Fair point, young man! Fair point. However whenever I've been 'naughty' in the past (Oooooh, must be months now) somebody has always punched me, kicked me, or pished on me, or sometimes all three. However, I'm not allowed to shout at grandmother, be physically violent towards grandmother or even get to rub her nose in her own mess. So, the only option is to hire her out for the Christmas period to some weirdo who can appreciate her personal 'habits'. I will be putting her up for hire on e-bay in the very near future and expect some decent bids. I'll post the link once I get it online.