ARmy Rumour SErvice

**Grownup_Rafbrat** · 18-08-2012, 19:37

And how many sheepdogs were guilty at the Sheepdog Trials?

**BIPOLAR77** · 18-08-2012, 19:37

At our local NAAFI, advertising slogan

"when its gone - its gone"

No shit sherlock

**smartascarrots** · 18-08-2012, 21:09

Originally Posted by Arters

Almost as daft as....'British Army, join the Professionals'

I fell for that one. The disappointment when I found out I wasn't going to be in CI5...

**graeme838** · 18-08-2012, 22:01

Originally Posted by Soldier_Girl

I bought a new iron the other day, and the instructions stated "Do not iron items of clothing whilst wearing them" ......
I would love to meet the person who inspired that little addition to the instruction manual.

Probably the cnut who sued Winnebago - he picked up his new motor from them and while driving switched on the cruise control...then got out of the drivers seat and went to make a cup of coffee. Unsurprisingly to us human beings, the vehicle then crashed; however he successfully sued Winnebago on the grounds that the drivers handbook did not make it clear that the cruise control was not in fact an autopilot!

Result? bad news for Winnebago - they had to replace the cnut's wrecked motorhome, and pay damages of about $750,000

And that is a true story.

And also:

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."

However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.

**Cabana** · 18-08-2012, 22:14

Originally Posted by ordinaryforces

Originally Posted by Cabana

Do you throw your slippers at the TV as well?

Believe it or not but I bought a latex housebrick off e-bay for that sole purpose...does it get any sadder?

love it, I may have to get one as well.

**Cabana** · 18-08-2012, 22:15

Originally Posted by JoeCivvie

A c'n'p job:

Product Warnings:

"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
• "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
• "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
• "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
• "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
• "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
• "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
• "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
• "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
• "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
• "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
• "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
• "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
• "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
• "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
• "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
• "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
• "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
• "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
• "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
• "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
• "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
• "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
• "Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
• "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
• "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
• "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
• "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
• "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
• "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
• "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
• "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
• "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
• "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
• "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
• "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
• "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
• "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
• "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
• "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
• "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
• "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
• "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
• "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
• "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
• "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
• "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
• "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
• "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
• "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
• "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
• "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
• "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
• "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
• "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
• "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
• "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
• "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
• "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
• "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
• "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
• "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
• "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
• "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
• "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
• "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
• "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
• "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
• "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
• "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
• "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
• "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
• "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
• "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
• "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
• "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
• "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
• "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
• "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
• "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
• "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
• "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
• "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
• "Do not wear for sumo wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions. See a scanned image.

Sorry, but being a lazy cunt, I couldn't be bothered reading all that.

**davwood** · 18-08-2012, 23:06

Originally Posted by graeme838

Probably the cnut who sued Winnebago - he picked up his new motor from them and while driving switched on the cruise control...then got out of the drivers seat and went to make a cup of coffee. Unsurprisingly to us human beings, the vehicle then crashed; however he successfully sued Winnebago on the grounds that the drivers handbook did not make it clear that the cruise control was not in fact an autopilot!

Result? bad news for Winnebago - they had to replace the cnut's wrecked motorhome, and pay damages of about $750,000

And that is a true story..

No it isn't, nor is the one about the cigars

snopes.com: Cruise Control as Auto Pilot

**JoeCivvie** · 19-08-2012, 01:05

Originally Posted by Cabana

Sorry, but being a lazy cunt, I couldn't be bothered reading all that.

PM me your phone number and I'll call you and read them to you.

**MPKaiser** · 19-08-2012, 02:01

[QUOTE=JoeCivvie;4572742]A c'n'p job:

Product Warnings:

• "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

All together now.........Eyes wide open, brows fully raised, chin on chest.............Hmmmm?

**BuggerAll** · 19-08-2012, 02:18

Originally Posted by graeme838

Probably the cnut who sued Winnebago - he picked up his new motor from them and while driving switched on the cruise control...then got out of the drivers seat and went to make a cup of coffee. Unsurprisingly to us human beings, the vehicle then crashed; however he successfully sued Winnebago on the grounds that the drivers handbook did not make it clear that the cruise control was not in fact an autopilot!

Result? bad news for Winnebago - they had to replace the cnut's wrecked motorhome, and pay damages of about $750,000

And that is a true story.

Unfortunately Snopes say it isn't true.

Originally Posted by graeme838

And also:

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."

However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.

Snopes also say this one's untrue.

Sorry, I'll get my coat.