US UK Insults 101 part 1
Date: 2007-08-01, 1:02AM BST
It seems that this section should be called insults not rants and raves (which should imply something of Speaker's Corner at Hyde Park in terms of articulation and passion).
As a citizen of neither the US nor the UK, permit me to be offend both lots of infantile name callers with some substantive comparisons.
Constitution: The US declaration of independence and the constitutional arrangements are the foundations of a great country and a great society, a land of opportunity. Britain, in contrast, is a mildewed relic with hereditary monarchy, an established church and a society in which people are not equal before the law; some are born "Lords". America has citizens. Britain has subjects. And the subjects LIKE being subjects. They are sentimentally attached to their chains. (I'll take the Statue of Liberty and all that it represents any day).
The proper attitude towards subjects is CONTEMPT. Most Brits think the monarchy is good for tourism, and most of those gawpers are American. For a nation of citizens they have a craven and pathetic liking for anything with a touch of royalty. The only possible explanation is a deep insecurity about their place in the world. This is entirely appropriate to a nation of johnny-come-latelies, parevenus and nouveau riche in search of sophistication. The very correct British attitude to the American royal sycophant is DISDAIN. But this is only because he is a colonial bumpkin (the check pants and cameras are a give away). If he were British he would be a patriot and a very fine fellow. He would also have a little more class in the deportment department.
Media (newspapers and television): with a few exceptions the UK is so far ahead of the US that comparison is impossible. The British read more newspapers per head of population, more books, borrow more from libraries and are an all round better read nation. Americans are a nation of couch potatoes. Except when they to go the movies. Unfortunately, the Brits can't pat themselves on the back as they also have the world's worst gutter press. The Daily Sport is surely the most sordid daily comic in the English language. And it isn't even honest hardcore filth, it's very typically British, full of prurient vicarious titillation. Sadly, in recent years, British daytime TV has followed some very bad examples from the US.
Knowledge of Geography: America has dumbfuckistan (the red states where they believe in the literal truth of the bible but couldn't tell you the names of the two rivers between which civilization began and in what country they may be found; to put fools out of their misery: Tigris, Euphrates and Iraq).
In the ignorant reactionary redneck dept the British have at least got yobs who have passports, who have been overseas and who go for a curry after they get drunk and abuse foreigners. Far more British people have spent more time overseas than Americans as a proportion of the population. The small size of the country, the climatic incentive to travel, and the fact of having more than a pathetic 10 days a year annual holiday all help considerably. The British abroad, especially the football hooligans, can be bloody, and they are cheap and mean and they no speaka the language. Americans are better mannered and more generous, even when they can't afford it.
Healthcare: America is a dog-eat-dog society in which tens of millions are shit out of luck if they don't have health insurance. Britain is a vastly more civilized country by comparison, in which healthcare is available free of charge if needed. The National Health Service in the UK is still a disaster in need of radical reform. A million employees is too many and the service doesn't offer the value for money that it should do. Nevertheless, while people grumble about this they don't generally live in fear of sickness and if they fall sick they don't have sell their homes. Britain may not be as efficient as it could be, but this is a lot better than being simply barbaric. Large numbers of Americans have been simply brainwashed about "socialized medicine" -- a gobshite's mantra if ever there was one. The term is uttered by latterday McCarthyites who would GLADLY throw the hindmost to the devil. They accept uncritically what they are told by the vested interests in the status quo. If you have the money you can get better healthcare in the US, but it's more expensive so you'll need the money. A big reason for this is the American love of litigation and the absurd, ridiculous, laughable number of lawyers parasitizing American society (something the rest of the world rightly shakes it's head at).
Gun laws: In Britain gun crime is unusual. In America it happens all the time. In the UK the police, except at airports, are unarmed. America is simply creepy barbarianland when it comes to guns and the obsessive fascination with guns for the sake of guns. The counterpart to the NRA in the UK is the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. You fuck with the RSPB at your peril. They won't shoot you however. But if the British animal rights movement took against you you might like to take out extra life and household fire insurance. If you don't understand how scary they are (they make the NRA look like pussies) be aware that there was no compunction at all about knighting Salman Rushdie and pissing off a billion muslims, but annoying a few thousand animal rights fundies by knighting Colin Blakemore was out of the question.
Excitability: The British are a phlegmatic lot, stoical about terrorism, generally tolerant of other cultures. Where they are not they wear white gloves and do what they need to do quietly and with class (Bond-like). Mossad probably learned from their example.
Imagine John Major standing outside the Baltic Exchange when it was bombed in the City of London
by the IRA and making yobbo, kick-ass comments. It's just unthinkable. Or Mrs.Thatcher with a Mission Accomplished sign?
It's clear from all the hatred and jibes about muslims on this list coming from the US that Americans are seriously afraid of Islam. And maybe they deserve to be. Most have NO IDEA of the history of the US's policies of ruthless self-interest in the middle east (watch Noam Chomksy's lectures on YouTube). The US has consistently sided with the bad guys, world wide. It must be absolutely galling to the most powerful nation on earth and to be given a complete run around by a bunch of bozos who don't use toilet paper and who believe they will earn 72 virgins in heaven by blowing you up. Vietnam should have been the ultimate demonstration that military power alone doesn't win wars.
The prevalence of 9/11 conspiracy theories in the US is a sign of a general social sickness. Morons who know nothing of the US history in the middle east and who are scientifically illiterate loudly endorse nutjob theories and chose to ignore very simple and rational explanations because they do want facts to interfere with their preferred nutcase conpsiracy theories. There is no similiar neurosis in Britain. Nor is there anything even remotely as nasty, abusive and unbalanced as Fox TV. There are still SOME filters that keep barstool wiseacres off the airwaves and the nation's screens. Alf Garnet (upon whom Archie Bunker was based) was INTENDED to show up that kind of bigot for what he was. In America deeply inadequate and unpleasant people become celebrities, and rich (the 300m people factor: if you get airtime you're gold).
The concept of service: America wins hands down. Things have improved a lot in the UK lately, especially with job hungry immigrants competing for work in areas such as plumbing and electrics. Long before they spread to the UK the US had Fedex, UPS and others. 800 numbers. Guaranteed delivery. Service with a smile. Satisfaction guaranteed. Britain is catching on. Thankfully people here are not big on insincere HAVE A NICE DAYs and other guff like forced smiles and eye contact. I'll take perfunctory civility over gushing, saccharine insincerity any day. And I'll have whatever kind of day I feel like, always.
Teeth: Americans LOVE to call the Brits Limeys and make jokes about their bad teeth. Most of the name callers are probably ignorant of the origin of the term limey, which should be a badge of honour for the Brits. They discovered how to defeat scurvy when Brittania ruled the waves. The comparison of teeth dates from the 2nd world war, before the national health system in the UK. Scottish teeth aside, British teeth are not noticeably different now from those of Americans except that more Americans go around for longer with the their teeth in braces. Either the British are not so vain or they figure that the dentist doesn't need money for a winter ski holiday. The American hang-up about British teeth is a bit neurotic.
Genital mutilation, ie circumcision, of boys: BIG TIME in America. Americans don't want their sons laughed at in the locker room. So they mutilate them. The Brits and most of the rest of the world consider this barbaric and criminally stupid. Religious reasons are bad enough but fear of mockery is truly pathetic.
Girls: There's no denying that America's got the biggest girls.. in the world. Check out fat girls on YouTube. They're all American. What a nation of utter lard arses. American girls are also a gazillion times more likely to have breast implants. And they looooove English accents and they would far sooner date Hugh Grant than Rambo. Their whining nasal buzz saw voices are, alas, insufferable, but preferable to far too many regional accents in the UK.
Getting rid of leaders who need to go: Britain wins this one easily. When people get too big for their boots or simply too tiresome they are taken aside and told to go and they go. None of this executive privilege malarkey. No need for impeachment or, heaven forfend, assasination to remove lame ducks.
Buckets of warm spit: America has Dick Cheney, a nasty snarling individual who was only too happy to do business with Saddam Hussain. In the spine-numbingly awful dept. a worthy successor to the internationally laughable Dan Quayle. Britain had John Prescott, formerly a waiter on a cruise ship (which is why the Tories all called for Gin and Tonics in the House of Commons when he was around). A delightful, avuncular old buffer by comparison. And not afraid to deck a yobbo either, as he showed when he punched out someone during a campaign rally. Some buckets of warm spit just leak when upset. No need to mention quail.
Electioneering: Not even John Prescott would have dare to attempt Bush senior's antics, when running for re-election with Ronald Reagan, in rural Ohio, of donning a plaid shirt and sitting on a tractor eating pork scratchings.
For sheer intellectual dishonesty, bogosity and plain pantomime US elections are hard to beat. Hard to beat too in unparalleled nastinesss (recall the scumboat veterans) and bouts of shameless infantilism (imagine the flip-flop rally in a British election? Not until the voting age is lowered to 5)
Space program: America by a mile. Patrick Moore is still going strong however.
Ice cream: American wins easily but is so convinced (usually rightly) that imports are better that it pretends Hagen-Dazs is an import.
Beer: it's a physiological fact that taste discrimination declines with temperature. Warm beer may be alien to Americans, but most of the time the climate in Britain rarely calls for really COLD beer. Most American beer cannot be consumed at room temperature because once it can be tasted it is clearly PISS. Most Americans have yet to realize that ads for knockoff American versions of great European beers cut about as much mustard with real beer drinkers as a Chinese knockoff of McDonalds would.
Locking up and executing innocent people, putting guilty people to death violently: America wins hands down. And yet Americans have the neck to sneer at believers in Sharia law. By and large they are a more sickeningly blood thirsty lot.
Now stop the childish name calling and if you have a rant get it off your chest.