Originally Posted by skids

After a night on red wine does any body elses cack have a green tinge to it or is it just mine?

Very much so, and also strangely adhesive. Clings to the sheerest of porcelain and defies you to remove it. Naturally, I just leave it there for the rats and blowflies.

Etiquette consists solely of striking a match to mask the gruesome stench. When it starts smelling like carrion it's time to straighten up your act for a while.

I take ages when I snap one off. Usually on ARRSE when I'm shitting. My mudbutton is hairy so I like to finish wiping with one of those wet wipes.

Avoid the eyes and mouth.

Originally Posted by spike7451

So,do you take a masive strain & blow the whole lot out in one wet splash as it hits the watery depths below,do you crimp off little sections of bowel fruit or do you move yourself around on the loo seat,trying to lay one long length of cable in the pan,like an ice cream....?

At my age, sphincter control is just a distant memory, although I do try to make as much noise as possible for the benefit of the neighbours.

Avoid crimping at all costs....if you do, it just gets messy.

Originally Posted by Rabid Chihuahua

I find an exercise shovel recce quite fulfilling.

Indeed sir. I once had a most pleasant dump in Cyprus. I squatted down, and lo, there before me was the most beautiful vista down a sun bathed Mediterranean valley.

I thoroughly recommend, for the discerning defecator, a pooh with a view.

This thread might be able to answer a question that has puzzled me for years; Are turds tapered at the end, to prevent ones arse closing with a bang?

Originally Posted by princealbert

etiquette? Surely you just sit there until the job is done. Wipe your ricker, flush, and get the fuck out?

Now wash your hands you dirty creature

Originally Posted by brummieboy1

This thread might be able to answer a question that has puzzled me for years; Are turds tapered at the end, to prevent ones arse closing with a bang?

Could be, it would also put an aerodynamic point on the next one.

Originally Posted by filthboy1979

Quick question on wiping. Anyone else get a digit up it to clean the breech or just me?

Bidets are the way forward,good bit of kit.Also allows for a cheeky(pardon the pun) bit of prostate milking