I have the solution.

Go to the garage and get some flowers - get the cheapest on offer ones - it is only for the weekend.

Whilst you are there, get a few slabs of stella and few bottles of Bucky (or equivalent) and a box of milk tray (or a creme egg will do for your mam).

Pitch up tonight and get chunderingly drunk, prove how hard you are with a one man lift of your gran and do a single man stretcher race, lob her in the hole, chunder your drunken guts over the coffin, hide the mess with some dirt and perhaps a consider this as a great opportunity to do a sneaky "Cleveland Steamer" (hey, it is all degradable), then lead the motion to the wake - continue to get chunderingly drunker.

Ensure you vomit over your most annoying aunt and punch the shoite out of Uncle knobhead (the one that touched your dirty when you were 9 years old). Once you have done all of that - calmly toss the creme egg to your mam along with the garage flowers and tell her how much you love her and it is for mother's day.

Next day, no-one from the family will speak to you and your mum will want to forget Mother's Day for the rest of her life.

Questions?

Originally Posted by mysteron

I have the solution.

Go to the garage and get a some flowers - get the cheapest on offer ones - it is only for the weekend.

Whilst you are there, get a few slabs of stella and few bottles of Bucky (or equivalent) and a box of milk tray (or a creme egg will do for your mam).

Pitch up tonight and get chunderingly drunk, prove how hard you are with a one man lift of your gran and do a single man stretcher race, lob her in the hole, chunder your druken guts over the coffin, hide the mess with some dirt and perhaps a consider this as a great opportunity to do a sneaky "Cleveland Steamer" (hey, it is all degradable), then lead the motion to the wake - continue to get chunderingly drunker.

Ensure you vomit over your most annoying aunt and punch the shoite out of Uncle knobhead (the one that touched your dirty when you were 9 years old). Once you have done all of that - calmly toss the creme egg to your mam along with the garage flowers and tell her how much you love her.

Next day, no-one from the family will speak to you and your mum will want to forget Mother's Day for the rest of her life.

Questions?

Yes

Do you do bookings as Im busy for the next reli plantathon

Originally Posted by smudge67

Do you have any fit sisters? If so, I'll got to the funeral in your stead.

Saying that, is your old dear fit?

Saying that was your gran fit?

Go, get sh1t faced and remind mum about why you joined up and how you had a disappointing childhood/up bringing and couldn't wait to leave, not forgetting to mention that you "blame the parents" and "how grandma was always a better mother to you".

You'll find you wont need to buy anything for the Sunday as mother will have disowned you. Simples.

Get pissed first thing in the morning, then when the service is over, come running out of the church/chapel/place of worship and dive in to the hole prepared for granny and start setting up a defence post whilst shouting" C'mon you huns, taste good old British lead and steel"

Originally Posted by mysteron

I have the solution.

Go to the garage and get some flowers - get the cheapest on offer ones - it is only for the weekend.

Whilst you are there, get a few slabs of stella and few bottles of Bucky (or equivalent) and a box of milk tray (or a creme egg will do for your mam).

Pitch up tonight and get chunderingly drunk, prove how hard you are with a one man lift of your gran and do a single man stretcher race, lob her in the hole, chunder your drunken guts over the coffin, hide the mess with some dirt and perhaps a consider this as a great opportunity to do a sneaky "Cleveland Steamer" (hey, it is all degradable), then lead the motion to the wake - continue to get chunderingly drunker.

Ensure you vomit over your most annoying aunt and punch the shoite out of Uncle knobhead (the one that touched your dirty when you were 9 years old). Once you have done all of that - calmly toss the creme egg to your mam along with the garage flowers and tell her how much you love her and it is for mother's day.

Next day, no-one from the family will speak to you and your mum will want to forget Mother's Day for the rest of her life.

Questions?

I concur, other than the highlighted bit. Why would one buy flowers?
A recce of the final OHC trench-area should produce a wide choice of still serviceable blooms.

I mean to say we are still in a recession.

don't bother buying flowers...see if any good ones are at the grave side... and re-cycle them (make sure you take card off) and then blag a duty call - Job done

Originally Posted by Ravers

Originally Posted by smudge67

Do you have any fit sisters? If so, I'll got to the funeral in your stead.

Saying that, is your old dear fit?

Saying that was your gran fit?

What do you mean "was"? FFS Ravers the poor old dear isn't cold yet...mmm!

in this climate he will need the warmth and i can't see a problem in that

Will your Mum want some comforting post planting?