Thread: Bog Trolls

Out on the town last night, there came a point I had to visit the toilet. So off I stagger into the mens to have a slash, when out the corner of my eye I see this younger looking Mugabe hopping up and down, so I turn around to wash my hands, when I am hygenically assaulted by what I can only describe as an African Bog Troll!

I had my hands squirted with what looked like pink spunk, I was then drowned under a tap, nearly mummified with a cheap roll off shithouse standard hand towles, practically pepper sprayed with what the Bog Troll told me was "pussy juice?", but smelt like arrse juice if im honest, before the final part of the assault where I was kept hostage, and was ordered to "make a donation" to the Bog Trolls silver tray...

So I stuck my my now clean and dry hands into my "empty" pocket, and pulled out around 31p in loose change, which I then used to pay the ransom directly into the Bog Trolls silver savings account, only to be thanked with a kiss of the teeth, and a mumble in African that to me, sounded like a voodoo curse!

Anyway, the curse must have worked, as 10 minutes later I had a Haiti sized rumble in my stomach, which forced me to run the African Bog Troll gauntlet once again, this time for a cack...

Cack done, I stick my hand under the old fashioned bog roll dispenser, you know, the kind attached to the wall and does not try to mug you, and there is fcuk all there!...."whatdoIdo!"..

I have to slightly open the door, and ask the Bog Troll for some bog roll, but now I seem to have become fcuking invisible! So in a panic, I pull out a £1 coin and wave it out of the toilet door, and guess what, I've now become visible to the Bog Troll once again, who then snatches the coin out of my hand, and exchanges it for a roll of what cannot be described as bog roll. I have now been extorted by the Bog Troll!


Anyway, if you read this you must be bored by now, but I thought i'd share my traumatic story with you, in the hope it helps you avoid a nasty meeting with a Bog Troll, as they seem to be taking over toiltes everywhere.

Why didn't you just scrape your ring clean on the toilet seat like a real man? That'd learn 'em.

Edited to add; Also, you should have done a bog roll recce prior to commencing bowel release. Bad skills.

Our noble F & C soldiers have a lot to offer the Western nations in etiquette, manners and sacred customs. I fondly remember being a training screw in the depot just after we let our dusky brothers join our army and hearing a deep Nigerian baritone voice coming from the toilets in the block ' Who be dat? Fetch me a stick to wipe de shit from my ass!'

How we laughed later as we explained to him how toilets in the UK are meant to be used and that toilet paper actually enhances the act of defecation.

I thought you meant this sort of Bog Troll

Bog Troll

Don't piss them off. Will be out the club quicker than you can put your cock back in your jeans. I found this out afer i politely told the bog troll to "fcuk off you weasely little cnut". :(

Originally Posted by skintboymike

Why didn't you just scrape your ring clean on the toilet seat like a real man? That'd learn 'em.

Edited to add; Also, you should have done a bog roll recce prior to commencing bowel release. Bad skills.

I had actually been for a family meal beforehand, bad move going out after I know.

Regarding the seat, it was missing, you must have to hire it from the Bog Troll.

Originally Posted by carlbcfc

Originally Posted by skintboymike

Why didn't you just scrape your ring clean on the toilet seat like a real man? That'd learn 'em.

Edited to add; Also, you should have done a bog roll recce prior to commencing bowel release. Bad skills.

I had actually been for a family meal beforehand, bad move going out after I know.

Regarding the seat, it was missing, you must have to hire it from the Bog Troll.

Should have used your hand, then you could have given the bog troll a slap for being a cnut.

Originally Posted by Count.Dracule

Originally Posted by carlbcfc

Originally Posted by skintboymike

Why didn't you just scrape your ring clean on the toilet seat like a real man? That'd learn 'em.

Edited to add; Also, you should have done a bog roll recce prior to commencing bowel release. Bad skills.

I had actually been for a family meal beforehand, bad move going out after I know.

Regarding the seat, it was missing, you must have to hire it from the Bog Troll.

Should have used your hand, then you could have given the bog troll a slap for being a cnut.

Quite right I could of, but he might of thought he was melting when I removed my hand from his face.

No imagination at all, soldier. You should have wiped your arse with your fingers and got value for money by decorating the trap wall with an H Block style portrait of the Bog Troll. Granted restoring your dress afterwards would have required a degree of dexterity since you only had one hand to employ, but you could've tidied up that detail after washing your hands and given BT a toothy smile of satisfaction on leaving. Tut, tut. :P

Bad drills, should have wiped with hand and performed a skiff on the missus

HiD was held to ransom by a hideous toothless old crone for about ten p in Zloty in the bogs in reception at the Holiday Inn Hotel in Poznan a few years ago. I had to go and rescue her. Good move actualy since the HTOC gave me the phone number of her daughter, young friend, whatever, who was a real looker and did BJ's for 20 dollars a time in the car park outside.

What I should of done, is wipe my arrse with my money, and put it on his tray.

Originally Posted by carlbcfc

What I should of done, is wipe my arrse with my money, and put it on his tray.

On your one pound coin? You must be a virgin. Have a word with one of the resident, "Chaps" who will loosen you up a bit.

Ever been to the Park End club in Oxford? Its a large club so it has several bogs but every one of them has a bog troll usually with a wider range of aftershaves than boots chemists. I don't begrudge them a quid because it distracts them while a mate puts a nearly full bottle of Hugo Boss in his pocket.

Originally Posted by carlbcfc

Out on the town last night, there came a point I had to visit the toilet. So off I stagger into the mens to have a slash, when out the corner of my eye I see this younger looking Mugabe hopping up and down, so I turn around to wash my hands, when I am hygenically assaulted by what I can only describe as an African Bog Troll!

I had my hands squirted with what looked like pink spunk, I was then drowned under a tap, nearly mummified with a cheap roll off shithouse standard hand towles, practically pepper sprayed with what the Bog Troll told me was "pussy juice?", but smelt like arrse juice if im honest, before the final part of the assault where I was kept hostage, and was ordered to "make a donation" to the Bog Trolls silver tray...

So I stuck my my now clean and dry hands into my "empty" pocket, and pulled out around 31p in loose change, which I then used to pay the ransom directly into the Bog Trolls silver savings account, only to be thanked with a kiss of the teeth, and a mumble in African that to me, sounded like a voodoo curse!

Anyway, the curse must have worked, as 10 minutes later I had a Haiti sized rumble in my stomach, which forced me to run the African Bog Troll gauntlet once again, this time for a cack...

Cack done, I stick my hand under the old fashioned bog roll dispenser, you know, the kind attached to the wall and does not try to mug you, and there is fcuk all there!...."whatdoIdo!"..

I have to slightly open the door, and ask the Bog Troll for some bog roll, but now I seem to have become fcuking invisible! So in a panic, I pull out a £1 coin and wave it out of the toilet door, and guess what, I've now become visible to the Bog Troll once again, who then snatches the coin out of my hand, and exchanges it for a roll of what cannot be described as bog roll. I have now been extorted by the Bog Troll!


Anyway, if you read this you must be bored by now, but I thought i'd share my traumatic story with you, in the hope it helps you avoid a nasty meeting with a Bog Troll, as they seem to be taking over toiltes everywhere.

Liar.