Originally Posted by Ancient_Mariner

... shampoo...

:D :D :D

Why have a sham when you've got the real stuff

Op Fingal - Kabul 2002. I was doing a groundworks in a light wheeled tractor at B Coy 1 Royal Anglian location when their CQMS came up to me. He knew me as he was the Sgt who recruited me. He said "right Mr Engineer, we've got a problem with one of our DTL's. It's full! Any suggestions?" I was amazed as I didn't think it was possible to fill a 5m deep hole with sh1t in the space of a couple of months. We went over to see what was happening. It turns out our carpenters had made the seats and frame for the DTL and had dropped it off at the Coy location. Unfortuantly the blokes had cracked on and started sh1ting in it straight away before the trench had been dug! Needless to say the frame filled up pretty quickly; it was rats. There was a lovely pyramid of turds which nearly reached up to your hoop it was that full. I felt sorry for one bloke who had D & V and was having to stick his head in there. The CQMS asked "so what can we do?" "Burn it" was the immediate reply suprising enough!

P.S Davy Skuller; that post has to be the funniest thing I read on ARRSE for a long time.

Originally Posted by plant_life

Op Fingal - Kabul 2002. I was doing a groundworks in a light wheeled tractor at B Coy 1 Royal Anglian location when their CQMS came up to me. He knew me as he was the Sgt who recruited me. He said "right Mr Engineer, we've got a problem with one of our DTL's. It's full! Any suggestions?" I was amazed as I didn't think it was possible to fill a 5m deep hole with sh1t in the space of a couple of months. We went over to see what was happening. It turns out our carpenters had made the seats and frame for the DTL and had dropped it off at the Coy location. Unfortuantly the blokes had cracked on and started sh1ting in it straight away before the trench had been dug! Needless to say the frame filled up pretty quickly; it was rats. There was a lovely pyramid of turds which nearly reached up to your hoop it was that full. I felt sorry for one bloke who had D & V and was having to stick his head in there. The CQMS asked "so what can we do?" "Burn it" was the immediate reply suprising enough!

P.S Davy Skuller; that post has to be the funniest thing I read on ARRSE for a long time.

Cheers mate, not quite up to the word-smithery of some of the old and bold but think it gets the message accross! :D

I had heard stories about a Sapper throwing himself around a porta loo or DLT in mid summer on Herrick 8 whilst wearing Softie and Osprey! Now that would be a proper man test; good weight loss programme as well.

That is hardcore!! Would leave one very sweaty Sapper!

http://www.arrse.co.uk/Forums/viewtopic/t=114742.html

Some good turd stories on that link.

Telic 4. QRF duties but lolling on my pit pretending to be able to sleep with uniform on.

I went for a dump to break up the boredom and make the most of the coolest time of the day at about half 3 in the morning. Unfortunately it was still the height of summer and as such I was sweating like a fat mans arrse. A detour to the main building to get a bottle of water from the cookhouse fridge to mix with my rat pack hot chocolate mix was in order.

My intention was to whip down towards the main gate where the D&V sh1tters were. We had been clean lately and as such these were not being regularly used.

As I'm flip flopping my way across the tiled floor I hear the familiar "Crump" of a Mortar round landing near the camp. Followed by about a further dozen or so landing in various parts of the compounds. Gutted that I never brought a book I decided to be cheeky and I would use the ones near to the cookhouse that normally hummed.

As I sat squeezing one out most p1ssed off that it stunk but pleased with my hetero manlyness for failing to show fear towards the IDF attack which although had finished would still have been going when I re told the story it all started up again.

I snapped the head off it like one of those little devices rich business men have for cutting cigars. Failing to wipe I was back under hard cover before you could say "P1ss dribbling down my leg."

I then sat with the duty night chefs laughing at me as I stunk of turd and had a suspicious damp patch on my combats for the better part of 15 minutes. After the Op whatever it was called where you check for blinds and the resulting 45 minutes of clearance patrols I finally got to go and finish the job.

Off I went to go and treat myself on one of the Clean D&V bogs. How ironic it was to see various bits of orange and white broken plastic all over the shop and hesco baskets stained by blue Turdis liquid all around. It wasn't a direct impact but I'm willing to bet I wouldn't have enjoyed my dump had I been in there.

Originally Posted by oscar1whisky

Old and Bold will remember pre-Turdis days of self dug long drops

Petrol would be poured in on a daily basis & a iclke fire ensure except if someone had dropped an aerosol can in!!!!!!!!


Best one for a turdis is not with the Army though but with the Sealed Knot.
Contractors turn up to empty but instead of sucking out had it on blow. Those camping with 50 meters we praying for rain to clean their tents.

Little or no thought is ever spared for the poor souls who's task in life is to keep our over used fleet of Turdii 'full of blue and ready for poo'. The men and women who crew the Honey Suckers are the true forgotten heroes of our time.

The cloud of fouls gas released during a visit from the Honey Sucker is enough to turn the strongest stomach, anyone who has been stood downwind of one at work will vouch for this.

On Op Agricola we had a loyal and dilligent crew of chogies who had stepped up to the plate to carry out this thankless (less financial reward) task. The Honey Sucker would do its stuff before the crew commander would come ambling over clutching a shit streaked clipboard containing an oddly coloured tattered sheet of paper.

Ol' Stinky wasn't going anywhere without a signature on his crappy clipboard. He remained 110% on task throughout totally focused on emptying shitters and gaining signatures. Nothing distracted him. Not the urge to go and clean his crumbling sugar puff teeth, not a thought of perhaps washing the "No Dad" Christmas jumper that he had been wearing every day during this long, hot, sweaty Kosovan summer. No it was signatures and bogs that flicked his switches.

I often reminisce fondly of my time getting pissed in the Balkans and sometimes even spare a thought for Ol' Stinky and wonder if he's washed that fucking shitty stinking jumper yet.

Originally Posted by spaz

The cloud of fouls gas released during a visit from the Honey Sucker is enough to turn the strongest stomach, anyone who has been stood downwind of one at work will vouch for this.

True. During my stay at 'Slipper City' AKA - KAF, I had managed to survive on meat and salad for the entire time throughout the tour, each time having to resist the temptation of the Boardwalk's offers of Timmy Hortons doughnuts, BK and Subway. So well in fact, I'd actually managed to slim down to the size of a cocktail stick. I was so proud of myself, mainly because I could see the 'wee man' again.

During the final two weeks walking back from the strip I got it into my head that I would finally do myself the pleasure of quaffing a Chicken Royal with extra cheese, extra mayo, extra lard etc - after all, I'd earned it. Luckily the wind had changed, and by the time I had drew level with the Boardwalk - the aromatic delights of Poo Pond had engulfed the entire area. The mixture of flame grilled Whoppers and stale shit was enough to put me off the idea for a least a few weeks.