The Smooth B*st*rds Guide to Women Thread

[Tremaine]

Dunno if this has been done? If it has, never mind. Oldies and young 'uns alike have their own thoughts on pulling, keeping and biffing, perhaps? What works for you and what doesn't? Success stories, disasters. Lessons good and bad.

For instance, after waiting two years, patiently, success came this way with a "randy little cow" as she describes herself, over fifty (yes....you definitely fcuking would) but pulls blokes half her age, and goes like a gate in a gale. Just the right combination of patter, manners and appearance did the job, and done the deed :o

But it doesn't happen often, and probably won't again for a while. What swung it for you to get the object of your evil man seed bang to rights and thinking "Faaaarkin' result"

[JesterRIP]

It must be the time I held the door open for your mum.

She pretty much took over at that point...

[Tremaine]

....she told me...crap she reckoned :D

[Bollock-chops]

This is a what not to do.

I hadnt seen Deborah since leaving school, I thought of her often, she was a stunner, beautiful figure, and very intelligent. I ran over to her said hiya, she said something witty about me being home from the army.

I guffawed politely and filled my moustache with snotter.

[JesterRIP]

....she told me...crap she reckoned :D

She's not wrong either. I've always been crap at holding doors open for women.

Especially revolving ones.

[Tremaine]

This is a what not to do.

I hadnt seen Deborah since leaving school, I thought of her often, she was a stunner, beautiful figure, and very intelligent. I ran over to her said hiya, she said something witty about me being home from the army.

I guffawed politely and filled my moustache with snotter.

**FAIL** :P "Guffaw" / "Snotter" ....doomed perhaps.

More hopeful> Trem' turned up at MILF SWOF's house for dinner on second date, there she was in a little black number teetering on high heels , long black hair , instant boner . Knew her trade well. Said boner was soon noticed, and a brief wrestling match finished up , well, upstairs.

Lessons from g/fs / MILFS, never wear your shirt tucked in, decent aftershave, good haircut and good manners, decent shoes and stylish clothes/jeans, seems to work.The shirt looks to be vital in the process. Talk about your Gran and saving little fluffy things, shrewd tactics.

[postman_twit]

This is a what not to do.

I hadnt seen Deborah since leaving school, I thought of her often, she was a stunner, beautiful figure, and very intelligent. I ran over to her said hiya, she said something witty about me being home from the army.

I guffawed politely and filled my moustache with snotter.

Anyone spot the real reason for his big, fat F for fail?

P-t

[Tremaine]

....she told me...crap she reckoned :D

She's not wrong either. I've always been crap at holding doors open for women.

Especially revolving ones.

Never tie your shoelace in 'em either, bad...bad...

Who the feck knows what most women want, like, don't like? Not feckin I ! And the moustache? MILFS I frequent don't mind stubble but they tilt at Mr brillo face on their delicate little flesh, even if they're Brazilian downunder and we get wet emery paper , slightly double standards, common to all birds

[BrunoNoMedals]

What swung it for you to get the object of your evil man seed bang to rights and thinking "Faaaarkin' result"

Booze. And she's still here eight years later.

[Tremaine]

"Use this crash helmet , you're going through the head board"

Possibilities?

[Louie85]

In my short 24 years on this planet I have only found one way charming the (not so) fairer sex....... ask them loads of questions about themselves. I have yet to meet a woman of any age that does not enjoy nattering about their: hair, family, ex's, shoes, clothes, work, school, college. You get the gist!

The tricky part is converting once you've got them talking..... that part remains a mystery to me. Sometimes they want it, sometimes they don't. I believe it's entirely down to pot luck!!

[Aunty Stella]

A bending spring wrapped in bubble wrap and a good mask.

Gloves are also essential as is a forensic full body suit and a "Durex's finest".

Shave all over prior to your date to ensure that no nasty little tell tail hairs are left behind and finally make sure that afterwards you pressure wash her, inside and out, with Domestos.

If she is under 12, it may be a good idea to "do a maddie"

[Ursus.Maritimus]

A bending spring wrapped in bubble wrap and a good mask.

Gloves are also essential as is a forensic full body suit and a "Durex's finest".

Shave all over prior to your date to ensure that no nasty little tell tail hairs are left behind and finally make sure that afterwards you pressure wash her, inside and out, with Domestos.

If she is under 12, it may be a good idea to "do a maddie"

Smooth bastard!

[brettarider]

But not as smooth as Maddies fanny was

[auscam]

....she told me...crap she reckoned :D

She's not wrong either. I've always been crap at holding doors open for women.

Especially revolving ones.

Revolving women? Spit roasted?