Discuss Christmas Horror Stories in The NAAFI Bar on The Army Rumour Service; No not that type, the living horror that can be your family at Christmas but every so often it all comes good.
I hoped to get off lightly this year but no: Mrs B's mother ...
No not that type, the living horror that can be your family at Christmas but every so often it all comes good.
I hoped to get off lightly this year but no: Mrs B's mother and floormat second husband spread their customary pall of gloom, peaking during Christmas Dinner when the old cow announced she could not possibly sit at the same table as No 1 son who was wearing a "disgusting" shirt.
It was in fact a new hoodie being a varient on the "Darwin Fish" theme and it was one of his presents from me. She had been looking for something to latch on to ever since she arrived.
Mrs B panics (as she tends to do when her Mother is around) and tells him to change ASAP. All about to turn to sh!t so I give them both the "FFS, I can do without this" look so she shuts up and he changes.
But will the old bitch let it go? No. Craps on and on and on and then starts general moaning and complaining. So with Mrs B becoming ever more anxious as she tries to make light, happy conversation to try and get through the meal, the evil old cow is going on about such things as:
Being too cold (thermostat is already on 25C and we are all sweating)
Wine is too rough and wants some lemonade to put in it (nearly strangled her at that point)
Turkey tasteless (wrong: bloody expensive free range bird and excellent it was too)
Gravy is too salty (Nope)
Room is too dark (300 watts of halogen overhead light already on)
Music too loud (barely audible)
And then she really hit the jackpot when the tea she had demanded was served and turned out to be "too strong" and she went on to say she simply did not why we even bothered to invite anybody to Christmas Dinner if we were so determined to make no effort and to serve them "such dreadful swill"
The red mist rose up but no need: Mrs B went off like a demo charge. 20 years of pent up resentment, anger and festering grudge against a self centred stupid witch vented in about 30 seconds. I followed up with a few well chosen words but they went largely unheard as she sat there with her flabby gob open.
Some days you wake and immediately start to worry. Nothing in particular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble ahead..... Formally known as Mucus, before I lost the log in....
Well two days of digging and searching in the general area and we still haven't found the cunting leak. Surely there must be technology more accurate than a grumpy old bloke in a yellow hi-vis coat, wielding a length of dowelling on a thread bobbin and claiming there may be a leak in the generic area known as "under there"?
My Ex MIL was notorious for her nastiness also she was a hyper, hypercondriach if you had a bad back...she had spinabiffida, if you had a chest infection she had lung cancer.
One xmas her & OMIL came over, I plated the food good stuff & plenty of it.....then she anounced that I cant eat too much.... she picked & picked over it looking like she had an eating disorder so asked what the problem was.....feck me it sounded as if id shat on the plate.....so i picked her plate up binned it, sent her in to the lounge, I finished lunch and said to my now Ex.... I m off Surfing if she still here by the time I get back I m off down the pub.
Strangly they had gone when I returned.......we were due over theirs for boxing day Ex-Wife & Kids went....i didnt