Thread: Outrageous Comments to Officers and SNCOs

I didn't actually witness this (though I'd have given a weeks pay to have been there) but the best story I have ever heard was of 'X' a 9 year Private (a minor legend in his unit) who was locked up in somebody elses jail one weekend while attending a course.

The BOS and BOO came round to make an evening inspection and entered the shared cell that X was in. The BOO was an unpleasent little boy of 19 or 20 who had just passed out of Sandhurst and didn't have any campaign medals on his NO2s. He was also very short and very insecure. He looked over X's bedspace and shelves, then thrust his face close to X's and said in what he probably thought was a menacing voice "Sort your bed block out!"

X looked back at him for a second then replied in a tender whisper, that was audible half way across camp "You look like a girl, if we were alone in this cell I'd bend you over the table and fcuk you" Then he pursed his lips into a little kiss.

There was a second of complete silence then all the prisoners started laughing. The BOS also started laughing and immediately converted it into a shouted order and hustled all the prisoners out of the cell to be beasted on the square, leaving the BOO alone to gather up his shattered ego.

What's the most outrageous comment or remark you've ever heard a squaddy or JNCO make to an Officer or SNCO?

Let's have some funny stories, not twenty anecdotes about an RSM prodding a squaddy with his pace stick and saying "Theres a bit of shit on the end of this stick boy"......

We used to have a crusty old Sapper in our Squadron who had done countless years (before the options for change got rid of all those characters) and for some reason the powers that be wanted him on a JNCO's cadre.

Considering he made a sack of tatties look like a guardsman it was quite laughable, but do the cadre he did. One fine early cadre morning, the usual room and locker inspection was due to be carried out. The cadre staff strutted into his room and started doing the usual cadre stuff of shouting, poking, throwing...you know it!
They get to Russ's locker and upon peering inside they see a couple of pairs of issued y fronts, turned pink they're that old.

Cadre staff starts to ream Russ out due to having non issued kit in his locker layout.
Russ says "They are issued Staff! They're on my 1157!"
Staffy says "You dont get issued y fronts!! Ive never been issued y fronts!!" All done at shouty level.

Russ calmly turns to the Staffy, looks him in the eye and says "Sprog!"

I love that buggrit, made I larf. :D

Duty clerk in Iserlohn wanders up to the guardroom wearing slippers one Sunday evening, with an urgent signal. Orderly Sgt who was passing by does cracking double take on seeing slippers and screams: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS ON YOUR FEET?".

With a straight face the young clerk responds: "They, Sarge, are my concession to Sunday".

Originally Posted by buggrit

Cadre staff starts to ream Russ out due to having non issued kit in his locker layout.
Russ says "They are issued Staff! They're on my 1157!"
Staffy says "You dont get issued y fronts!! Ive never been issued y fronts!!" All done at shouty level.

Russ calmly turns to the Staffy, looks him in the eye and says "Sprog!"

Rodney2q

On exercise with 2 AES on Saltau 1969, camming up the bridgelayers and AVRES just before dawn. One young, pissed wet through and pissed off driver is whingeing bitterly about camming a f ucking bridgelayer up being a right basted and a pointless waste of time etc. Young troopy about 19 yo tells the driver in very sarcastic tones that camming up is done for a reason, that the tanks are always cammed up before dawn and always have been and its not for a Sapper to question why. The troopie was completely fucked when the oldest Cpl in the RE, the drivers commander, told him: "We never did this crap after the D day landings.... " Wally Leg (RIP) had served with 26 AES during the second world war

We had a guy in our battalion, a notorious drinker who used to sell his kit to buy booze. He was in a rifle coy, and one day there was a kit and room inspection. The company commander got to him and looked at his sparse kit laid out. It was a shambles, and ther was only one pair of very scruffy boots. The major looked, and said 'Rfn M*********, where are your best boots?' to which the reply came 'I don't have no favourites, sir'.

From a clerk type bloke to his RAO - 'Sir I'm a woman trapped in a man's body........I want to chop my love pump off and have you all call me Penny'

Originally Posted by old_fat_and_hairy

We had a guy in our battalion, a notorious drinker who used to sell his kit to buy booze. He was in a rifle coy, and one day there was a kit and room inspection. The company commander got to him and looked at his sparse kit laid out. It was a shambles, and ther was only one pair of very scruffy boots. The major looked, and said 'Rfn M*********, where are your best boots?' to which the reply came 'I don't have no favourites, sir'.

Blatant lie.

Originally Posted by FiveAlpha

Originally Posted by old_fat_and_hairy

We had a guy in our battalion, a notorious drinker who used to sell his kit to buy booze. He was in a rifle coy, and one day there was a kit and room inspection. The company commander got to him and looked at his sparse kit laid out. It was a shambles, and ther was only one pair of very scruffy boots. The major looked, and said 'Rfn M*********, where are your best boots?' to which the reply came 'I don't have no favourites, sir'.

Blatant lie.

Oh go away you tiresome little prat

In my much younger days, when I was attached to some RCT lot in Duisburg, I was living in hirings not far from camp, but had misjudged the time to took to get to camp.
Monday morning RSM's muster parade, all kit sorted except, cant find my boots, panic sets in and I put on a pair of nice shiny (new) issue shoes and leg it to camp, collecting a couple of nice blisters on the way, just manage to squeeze into what I think is the rear rank for the parade accept that we promptly do an about turn and I am in the front rank. Along comes the man and his entourage, he passes me and does the classic double take, "Why the fcuk are youse wearing fkucing shoes for", at this point brain is not fully engaged but mouth is working, "To stop my feet wearing out" says I.
Oh how I laughed as I was doubled the long way around the square, in shoes, with blisters, to the guardroom to await the RSM's pleasure. Which inevitably involved lots more shouty men making me double around for a long, long time.

He's right though, that is a fib

I offer a selection of anecdotes (courtesy of another website) concerning a rather obnoxious, but almost unique, RAOC character, last seen in the 1970s', who went by the name of Pte Paddy McGiveney. Having had the misfortune to serve with him, and personally witnessed the 'guards' incident, I am fairly confident that they all have at least a grain of truth in them.

At Bracht he passed a Rupert, without saluting him. He was called back and asked why he did not pay compliments to an officer. Paddy looked into his eyes and said "Your after-shave smells divine Sir"

Paddy was on orders. The CSM marched him into the OC's office. The OC then started to tear into him. Paddy kept looking at the OC's shoes. Eventually the OC stopped ranting and asked "McGiveney! What are you doing". Paddy replied. "I'm looking for justice under the table Sir, there is nothing coming across it".

He was once asked by his OC: "McGiveney, you're an experienced chap. What do you think should be done around here to smarten things up and get it all ship-shape?" Paddy pondered for a few seconds and replied, "Move your desk under the window, and move your locker over there Sir."

On muster parade at 1 BR Corps Stores Coy the CSM stopped in front of paddy and said: "Magiveney you didn't shave this morning. "No" said Magiveney. No f******g what the CSM shouted. Magivney replied no f******g blades

One time at Grasgehren, which we shared with other units including the Guards Div, he had all of the Guards thinking he was an officer. When a Guards subby found out he went ape. Paddy told him: "If I want to talk like a ***t, and you want to call me Sir, that is up to you".

Again at Grasgehren, Paddy used to ski in corduroy trousers, tweed jacket and a flat cap. A favorite trick of his was to "join" one of the guards ski classes then tell the guards subby instructor "to carry on as normal, I'm here to observe".

I'll re-post this, not outrageous, but funny:

1 ADSR Herford mid-1990's, clothing store for the scalies was run by an infantry Colour Sgt with a false leg (IIRC). Said Colour Sgt was completely p1ssed off being called Staff [Sgt] by scalies who obviously did not know him.
Scaley sprog in the queue in front of me:
"I need to exchange these lightweights for a size smaller Staff".
"COLOUR! YOU FUKCING STUPID CNUT!"
"Uh, [baffled look] green Staff......".
There then followed a fantastic explosion of shouting and swearing (world class) at a terrified sprog while the rest of the queue p1ssed themselves laughing.

'F*cking outrageous Sir, made yourself look a right c*nt their', me to a subbie after he slung his second 9mm round of the week into the sand whilst unloading in front of a load of UNHCR staff.