I didn't actually witness this (though I'd have given a weeks pay to have been there) but the best story I have ever heard was of 'X' a 9 year Private (a minor legend in his unit) who was locked up in somebody elses jail one weekend while attending a course.

The BOS and BOO came round to make an evening inspection and entered the shared cell that X was in. The BOO was an unpleasent little boy of 19 or 20 who had just passed out of Sandhurst and didn't have any campaign medals on his NO2s. He was also very short and very insecure. He looked over X's bedspace and shelves, then thrust his face close to X's and said in what he probably thought was a menacing voice "Sort your bed block out!"

X looked back at him for a second then replied in a tender whisper, that was audible half way across camp "You look like a girl, if we were alone in this cell I'd bend you over the table and fcuk you" Then he pursed his lips into a little kiss.

There was a second of complete silence then all the prisoners started laughing. The BOS also started laughing and immediately converted it into a shouted order and hustled all the prisoners out of the cell to be beasted on the square, leaving the BOO alone to gather up his shattered ego.

What's the most outrageous comment or remark you've ever heard a squaddy or JNCO make to an Officer or SNCO?

Let's have some funny stories, not twenty anecdotes about an RSM prodding a squaddy with his pace stick and saying "Theres a bit of shit on the end of this stick boy"......

We used to have a crusty old Sapper in our Squadron who had done countless years (before the options for change got rid of all those characters) and for some reason the powers that be wanted him on a JNCO's cadre.

Considering he made a sack of tatties look like a guardsman it was quite laughable, but do the cadre he did. One fine early cadre morning, the usual room and locker inspection was due to be carried out. The cadre staff strutted into his room and started doing the usual cadre stuff of shouting, poking, throwing...you know it!
They get to Russ's locker and upon peering inside they see a couple of pairs of issued y fronts, turned pink they're that old.

Cadre staff starts to ream Russ out due to having non issued kit in his locker layout.
Russ says "They are issued Staff! They're on my 1157!"
Staffy says "You dont get issued y fronts!! Ive never been issued y fronts!!" All done at shouty level.

Russ calmly turns to the Staffy, looks him in the eye and says "Sprog!"

I love that buggrit, made I larf. :D

Duty clerk in Iserlohn wanders up to the guardroom wearing slippers one Sunday evening, with an urgent signal. Orderly Sgt who was passing by does cracking double take on seeing slippers and screams: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS ON YOUR FEET?".

With a straight face the young clerk responds: "They, Sarge, are my concession to Sunday".

Originally Posted by buggrit

Cadre staff starts to ream Russ out due to having non issued kit in his locker layout.
Russ says "They are issued Staff! They're on my 1157!"
Staffy says "You dont get issued y fronts!! Ive never been issued y fronts!!" All done at shouty level.

Russ calmly turns to the Staffy, looks him in the eye and says "Sprog!"

Rodney2q

On exercise with 2 AES on Saltau 1969, camming up the bridgelayers and AVRES just before dawn. One young, pissed wet through and pissed off driver is whingeing bitterly about camming a f ucking bridgelayer up being a right basted and a pointless waste of time etc. Young troopy about 19 yo tells the driver in very sarcastic tones that camming up is done for a reason, that the tanks are always cammed up before dawn and always have been and its not for a Sapper to question why. The troopie was completely fucked when the oldest Cpl in the RE, the drivers commander, told him: "We never did this crap after the D day landings.... " Wally Leg (RIP) had served with 26 AES during the second world war

We had a guy in our battalion, a notorious drinker who used to sell his kit to buy booze. He was in a rifle coy, and one day there was a kit and room inspection. The company commander got to him and looked at his sparse kit laid out. It was a shambles, and ther was only one pair of very scruffy boots. The major looked, and said 'Rfn M*********, where are your best boots?' to which the reply came 'I don't have no favourites, sir'.

From a clerk type bloke to his RAO - 'Sir I'm a woman trapped in a man's body........I want to chop my love pump off and have you all call me Penny'

Originally Posted by old_fat_and_hairy

We had a guy in our battalion, a notorious drinker who used to sell his kit to buy booze. He was in a rifle coy, and one day there was a kit and room inspection. The company commander got to him and looked at his sparse kit laid out. It was a shambles, and ther was only one pair of very scruffy boots. The major looked, and said 'Rfn M*********, where are your best boots?' to which the reply came 'I don't have no favourites, sir'.

Blatant lie.

Originally Posted by FiveAlpha

Originally Posted by old_fat_and_hairy

We had a guy in our battalion, a notorious drinker who used to sell his kit to buy booze. He was in a rifle coy, and one day there was a kit and room inspection. The company commander got to him and looked at his sparse kit laid out. It was a shambles, and ther was only one pair of very scruffy boots. The major looked, and said 'Rfn M*********, where are your best boots?' to which the reply came 'I don't have no favourites, sir'.

Blatant lie.

Oh go away you tiresome little prat