Thread: HELP ME HARASS MY CNUT NEIGHBOURS

Right, there's a pack of cnuts living near me. An indeterminate number of young blokes of the studenty persuasion are sharing a house. I'm not sure how many there are as there is a lot of coming and going, usually in the early hours of the morning. These cnuts make a lot of noise in the street and play loud music at various times during the day and night.

If they were lumpen chav scum I would already be arranging to communicate with them in the only language they understand, but I suspect that they are not really bad lads. What they are is young and thoughtless and a bit selfish; middle class kids whose childhood is being extended into their twenties by gap years and Uni.

I can pick up the phone and arrange for a car load of thugs to go round and intimidate them, or even ambush them myself, but I prefer to save that as an absolute last resort. Politely asking them to be quiet is pointless as any good resolutions they might have will be forgotten an hour later.


One of them left a mountain bike chained up outside last night, I have just smeared anti climb paint over the seat and pedals.
Its black and very sticky and I doubt if he'll see it before he sits on it. He won't get it out of his keks and will look like he shat himself.

I've a funny feeling that their wheelie bin will catch fire tonight and their locks may also be superglued. If I can find a convenient water source I might run a garden hose through their letterbox.

My intention is to systematically harass these cnuts until they change their ways or fcuk off. Everything I do must be unattributable to me and, at this stage at least, any violence must be against property only.

All ideas welcome; especially funny, depraved or bizarre ones. :D

an ex stab assualt pioneer got done for used a home made claymore mine in a border dispute with his neighbor

Loud music? If the electric box is outside turn it off, they'll be too stupid to work out what is wrong. Oh and turn the water off while you are about it.

Lots of comings and goings? Report to the plod that there is a drugs den nearby, then settle at the window for some early morning fun.

Araldite the doorlocks from the outside while they're all out.

Play Agadoo on high volume, on repeat while you take a weekend away, speakers against the party wall if they live next door.

Unwise to get directly involved in harassment. I had one such. I arranged for every skip hire company to deliver the largest skip they had. Ten of these on the doorstep is very annoying. Then there were pizza deliveries. Taxis. Double glaziers. The bloke I had the problem worked and his wife received much of the aggro so he had to deal with her when he got home. He put his house up for sale after 2 weeks of my actions and we thereafter had superb neighbours. There is no need to suffer all the while one has a phone and Yellow Pages.

Originally Posted by OldRedCap

Unwise to get directly involved in harassment. I had one such. I arranged for every skip hire company to deliver the largest skip they had. Ten of these on the doorstep is very annoying. Then there were pizza deliveries. Taxis. Double glaziers. The bloke I had the problem worked and his wife received much of the aggro so he had to deal with her when he got home. He put his house up for sale after 2 weeks of my actions and we thereafter had superb neighbours. There is no need to suffer all the while one has a phone and Yellow Pages.

Don't do it from your home phone!

fish paste into the air bricks on the external walls - does wonders for the internal air quality!

Proceed with caution, all it takes is one sly little bugger with a camcorder if they smell a (fishy) rat and he may capture some of your 'antics', and it won't be YBF that gets the tape.

Do you want dealings with Plod over a few scrotty students?

Thing is, how will they know what's annoying you and what you want them to change, unless you tell them?

I agree that they'll make promises and forget them (I have a student son at the moment) but you do need to let them know that they are unpleasant neighbours and what boundaries you want them to set.

If they don't conform after that, try the landlord. There's bound to be some clauses in the lease related to consideration for neighbours if the house is University-approved, and I think they ALL have to be University-approved these days.

Failing that - noise retaliation with 'Agadoo' at 7 a.m. as you go out to work is your only option!

Horse, or even better/worse (depends if you are receiving it or not) pig manure deliveries are (allegedly) rather irritating.

Originally Posted by TheSpecialOne

fish paste into the air bricks on the external walls - does wonders for the internal air quality!

Raw prawns - allegedly - stink for ages

Originally Posted by OldRedCap

Unwise to get directly involved in harassment. I had one such. I arranged for every skip hire company to deliver the largest skip they had. Ten of these on the doorstep is very annoying. Then there were pizza deliveries. Taxis. Double glaziers. The bloke I had the problem worked and his wife received much of the aggro so he had to deal with her when he got home. He put his house up for sale after 2 weeks of my actions and we thereafter had superb neighbours. There is no need to suffer all the while one has a phone and Yellow Pages.

I thought about using these tactics - and might yet do so - but I am reluctant to cause aggro and expense to people who have done me no wrong. The last thing somebody running a small skip or mini cab business needs is to waste time and fuel turning up to a nonjob.

Thing is, how will they know what's annoying you and what you want them to change, unless you tell them?

Other more timid neighbours have tried reasoning with them. They know they are doing wrong but can't - or won't - behave considerately. A few beers and they are back in playgroup.

Do they live at 54 Berners Street, by any chance ?.

Nowadays these dignitaries & noteables would be visiting 10 Downing Street, home of a modern day hoaxer who has convinced himself that he is wanted.

Join em, get your whinging derriere round there with a crate of aunty, a bottle of JD and your friendly head on.
You never know you might end up waking up under a pile of coats with a 1st year's battered fanny resting on your thigh

Have you tried...oh what's it called...fancy thing............................................. .................................................. ...............oh yes...talking to them?

Go round, maybe even with another neighbour and get as many of them together as possible and boldy but politely say "You seem decent enough people. You've had your fun, most of it at our expense...now remember you live in a decent area with decent people ...if you didn't you'd already have got in serious shite for the way you've carried on...there are children and people doing shifts who need sleep and so on as well as the rest of us who need peace. "

So that if they DO fck you about the lines have been drawn and at least some of them will have doubts about acting like pricks and if you have to remind them you may well find they comply much faster than if you just glare at them from a window sometimes - which just makes you look you have the problem.