Thread: Cold calls!

Originally Posted by Barrack Room Lawyer

Tell them you're doing a survey on 'cold calling' and would they mind if you conduct an interview with them. Say it will only involve approximately 30 minutes of their time and they don't have to answer any of the personal questions if they don't want to. If they persist and agree to your interview, start off by asking them if they ever suffer personal abuse and/or people slamming the phone down on them. Ask what was the worst thing anyone ever said before slamming the phone down. If they get so far as to give you an answer, repeat it back to them and slam the phone down!

or

Be as awkward and obtuse as possible. Sound interested in their suggestions, but return every question with another question, which is as 'impossible' as you can imagine. Thus, if they ask if you want double-glazing reply with, "Ah yes. I've been meaning to install that. The only slight problem is that I have circular windows approx 8' in diameter. Can you quote for that?"
If they ask if you want their energy (gas/electricity etc), reply with something like "I have a thermal gas injection ioniser here - Model 134hY-5fn4-b and would like to know if you can interface with its primary energy converter.
To use this line of response, requires some flexibility in you being able to think up obscure questions to ask back in response to every question they put forward. Eventually, they'll give up, as time is lost sales to them.



Cold Callers

No.8 had me crying with laughter- "grain silo" indeed!

Originally Posted by auscam

Originally Posted by Barrack Room Lawyer

Tell them you're doing a survey on 'cold calling' and would they mind if you conduct an interview with them. Say it will only involve approximately 30 minutes of their time and they don't have to answer any of the personal questions if they don't want to. If they persist and agree to your interview, start off by asking them if they ever suffer personal abuse and/or people slamming the phone down on them. Ask what was the worst thing anyone ever said before slamming the phone down. If they get so far as to give you an answer, repeat it back to them and slam the phone down!

or

Be as awkward and obtuse as possible. Sound interested in their suggestions, but return every question with another question, which is as 'impossible' as you can imagine. Thus, if they ask if you want double-glazing reply with, "Ah yes. I've been meaning to install that. The only slight problem is that I have circular windows approx 8' in diameter. Can you quote for that?"
If they ask if you want their energy (gas/electricity etc), reply with something like "I have a thermal gas injection ioniser here - Model 134hY-5fn4-b and would like to know if you can interface with its primary energy converter.
To use this line of response, requires some flexibility in you being able to think up obscure questions to ask back in response to every question they put forward. Eventually, they'll give up, as time is lost sales to them.



Cold Callers

No.8 had me crying with laughter- "grain silo" indeed!

Something similar to No1 used to be my reply of choice, works really well
"Hello, is Mr Smoggy there?" "Hang on i'll just get him" walk away and carry on what i was doing.
Funny though after i wrote to Abbey National (who were calling every day, sometimes 2 /3 times) informing them on the legal position of cold callers, i haven't had a single one in about 6 months from anybody. I'm starting to feel a bit left out

Originally Posted by BriteGirlie

If you have dial up internet, Jord, you need to check that you don't have 'call-waiting' on your telephone line.

If you do have call-waiting, have it removed and your problem will be resolved.

Other than that,... get broadband!

(If you already have broadband, there's every chance you'll need tech to attend as you may need a 're-pull')

Yeah I have broadband, but somethings gone wrong somewhere and if I don't answer the phone within like 2 rings I have to reconnect.

I normally start thew conversation with cold callers by telling them that "This call is being recorded for legal evidence". You would be surprised by the amount who hang up immeadiatly.

If that doesn't stop them I get them to repeat their name and get them to spell it for me slowly, then ask for their possition in the company and pretend to write that down as well.

If they still haven't got the message and hung up I normally try to sell them some double glazing.


Youre right I have far too much time on my hands.

Originally Posted by Jord2008

Originally Posted by BriteGirlie

If you have dial up internet, Jord, you need to check that you don't have 'call-waiting' on your telephone line.

If you do have call-waiting, have it removed and your problem will be resolved.

Other than that,... get broadband!

(If you already have broadband, there's every chance you'll need tech to attend as you may need a 're-pull')

Yeah I have broadband, but somethings gone wrong somewhere and if I don't answer the phone within like 2 rings I have to reconnect.

I've had the same problem in a few places, and it's normally down to one of two factors:

1) Old or dodgy internal wiring.

2) A cross over in the external wiring between your house and the ADSL board at the local exchange.

It's a hardware fault and you need to contact your provider to resolve it. Be persistent, tracking the error can take several visits.

If I get any from conservatory builders i let them waffle on and on and tell them I am really really interested and arrange for them to visit to my top floor flat

Re "scoobydont's", it's always good to borrow from that well-known typing error, Spike Milligna, and after having them repeat name, spell name etc a couple of times, say "look, it's no good, hang on, I'll just have to get a pencil and paper and write that down" - return the frustration, so to speak - but you've gotta draaaaaaaaaag it out for a while.

OR:

Ask them for their name and number so you can call them back at dinner-time and when they ask why, explain to them that it's their turn to cop a serve, for a change! Most of the scrotes have no idea of the time zones they're calling!

We've an unlisted number, home and mobiles, but the scrotes still manage occasionally, and now I just tell 'em to Fcuk Off! Her indoors doesn't think it's very gentlemanly of me, but then I wasn't always one anyway!

Door-knockers get the same treatment, especially the ones who've come slinking around during daytime and Her have suggested they come back in the evening, when I'll be home[!]. And what fascinates me is that some of them do come back. FOOLS!! If I'm feeling really pleasant I just let them knock, and continue what I'm doing.

Scrotes!

Originally Posted by Rocketeer

I like to fcuk with them just to see what happens.

one called yesterday..


ME: This is Mother..[ pressed #1 for a 'beep ' tone ] The line is secured..
please state your password and the code for the day.

HIM: Um.. is Mr. XXXX there?

ME: I am not authorized to respond to enquiries unless password and code are verified...this call is monitored.. you have 10....9....8.....7..

HIM:.. oh, s***..

ME: Password accepted

HIM.. what? Sonofab**ch

ME: Code of the day accepted.
Transferring your call to Covert Ops Armed Response Unit.

HIM: click HMMMMMMMM

working up a new routine for the next one...

Abso-fucking-lutely GENIUS!

oh, but now i'm wishing our house phone wasn't ex-directory. downer.

Originally Posted by craign

I'm registered on TPS but still get the occasional spam call.

I borrowed a tip I heard a good few years ago, if I ever have to register my name/address/phone number for anything with no real legal consequences (e.g. a guarantee form or PC-World "warranty" thing) I give my cat's name. If they call and they ask to speak to Oliver, I know it's spam, I then reply with "can you hold on a moment, he's under the table licking his crotch". It's usually followed by silence from their end, followed by a click.

Childish but very amusing.

That is priceless, and unashamedly nicked for use at Chateau Drool