Thread: Problematic Nephew

Originally Posted by FARMBOY

Originally Posted by devexwarrior

Originally Posted by acidedge

Seriously, he needs a slap from his Mum. I had a similar attitude when I was 18 and I ended up right in my Mum's face screaming at her and being quite intimidating. She hadn't hit me in years so I thought it would not happen but she clocked me one. I turn about, scream at her that "I am 18 now and she can't do that to me!" blah blah so she clocked me one again. I calm straight down, realised I was still a kid and was acting up. Trust me, it helps. And she is only 5'4", but I never said anything out of line again :D

Same as this except I was 16 and it was my dad.

Same here too. My Mum joked with me about it last summer saying it had been a turning point etc etc. I told her I agreed but unfortunately her actions of yesteryear would come back to haunt her in the form of me choosing the cheapest and nastiest old folks home to spend the rest of her days in "Whats that Granny Farmboy, you don't like being bunjeed to a chair all day with only one meal"

It did wipe the smile off her face for a while. Only joking of course my Mum is the best, but it does make you think that as Kids the scope for revenge does come later in life....should you so choose

Granny Farmboy sounds lilke the sort of lady that would take up extreme sports when she's 70, just to stop you having the pleasure of revenge!

Sitrep.
My sister phoned me last night with the following info.

The nephew (who as he’s 18, has now inherited £4k from his great grandfather) came home & gave my sister the paperwork for the hire of his dinner suit for his 6th form dinner/dance.
He then asked my sister “I won’t be paying for this will I?�
She obviously was a bit gobsmacked at this. When she informed him that he had a cheek to ask that after all that had gone on the night before. He blamed her & my brother-in-law for it.
When she commented that she hadn’t had much sleep. He asked “why haven’t you had much sleep?� After she told him it was due to everything that had happened the previous night, especially her husband being up casualty. He then replied with “you didn’t lose any sleep when I broke my wrist & was up there.� He broke his wrist when he was about 10yrs old, & he was in casualty with his dad. Not really the same scenario in my mind.
My sister seems to think he knows he’s done wrong, but rather than stop digging, he’s acting as if he’s the injured party & completely blameless.
The guy has become a complete cnut.
I truly want to stamp on his balls, rip his arms off & beat some sense into him with the soggy ends. This will not solve the problem, but it would make me feel better.
My parents (his grand-parents) now want nothing to do with him. They don’t want him around the house, they don’t want to see him. My dad was going to put him on his car insurance so he could drive my mum’s car. That is no longer happening. His younger brother (15) to move out & live me because of all the shit that’s going on. My niece (12) seems to be oblivious (I bet she’s not) to what’s happened.

So, thanks for all the advice, extremely helpful, & I really appreciate it.

I'll be seeing the little turd tonight after I've finished work.
I'm going to go down the quiet chat, find out whats wrong with him, tell him how it's affecting the family route.
I don't think violence is the way forward, at the moment. He looks up to me (God knows why, I'm not that tall). And as Milsum said, if I kick off at him it, it won't just reinforce, but cement the idea that violence is the way to solve all problems. I will let him know in no uncertain terms that if he touches my sister or his siblings again, all this Ghandi shit will be thrown out the window though.

Has anyone got the SOLID C stuff they can send me via email or PM?
I’ve looked on the internet & can’t find it anywhere.

Cheers guys.

Theres a downloadable solid c powerpoint presentation on Army net. Dont know if you can do anything with that, maybe print off screen shots. Just put solid c in the search box and search site.

A quick search of the Army website & voi la:

http://www.army.mod.uk/documents/gen...oldiers_ed.pdf

Thanks everyone.
I've now got a copy of SOLID C.

Just hope it does the trick.

I think he needs to be shown that no matter how much of a 'hard' man he is when it comes to hitting women and old men, there are a lot of far harder men about. His actions must attract a more severe but measured reaction.
That is what he needs to take on board after having it demonstrated to him. How you go about this is your decision being nearer to the problem. Sandhurst has nothing to do with it - he must be shown his conduct is unacceptable - full stop. Nothing to do with any special selection.

I wonder what happened to the kid?

Perhaps he should try going straight in and if he then proves good enough in a few years, retread.

Forgive my late entry. I not that much older than your nephew so, so will throw in my 2 pence worth.

A-Levels are stress, but no enough to lash out, nor is Uni or the sh1t that comes with it. Yeah, I can agree it is a hard time in life and the new release into the world of alcohol is something to be taken with care.

It seems, there is some underlying problem. Now, I'm now doctor, but it could he he is scared to move away to uni, he is hiding something. Something just doesn't seem right. As others have said, it could be roids.

From reading your posts, I have noted the violence in his immediate family and his fathers (old?) drinking habit. He could be falling into the path of 'follow my Dads footsteps and become a tw@t'.

What are his friends like? Are they encouraging this new lease and anger?

I reckon you should take him somewhere away from his house (maybe a meal) and speak with him. Be 100% straight with him, tell him your unhappy and the whole family is unhappy. Tell him the implications his behaviour could have on his future career and Uni prospects (some Uni's won't accept people with criminal records). Don't use threats, but in a round about way let him know things need to stop and need to stop quickly.

Tell him a clean slate is what he still has, but one more incident and he will have gone to the next level.

Then of course, ask him why he is acting the way he is. Try to get to the problem (there will be one, he may or may not want to tell you though). Press him for the problem.

And, if he then goes on to act like a tw@t again. Show him how you can play the drugs on his rib cage.

It sounds daft but humans fully mature later than you might think. There are brain centres that are developed at 25 that aren't at 18 relating to impulse control. It's easy to forget what a tool you were as a youngster - it would be hard to keep going as an adult if you couldn't.

Isn't one of the more old fashioned but valuable standards for Officers of being 'good company?' Don't those who select our future Officers ask themselves: Would I want this person's company in my mess? But if lagered up he is an arsehole, I don't think he'll get through a term at the factory without being spotted by the DS as a nasty drunk.

Isn't there is an inevitable drinking culture in the army (decompression?)

How is it in Officers messes? I can only compare my experiences of a WO & Sgts messes myself, but there were some nasty mess monsters. I don't think the Officers mess would be much different

FFS I'm sure that a powerpoint presentation of SOLID C will make him see the error of his ways! It doesn't do any good with serving toms never mind an off the rails schoolkid. Give the little prick a kicking.

Sitrep on whats happened over the weekend.

So far, he apologised to his dad, with lots of crying
He's apologised to his mum (my sister), with lots of crying.
He doesn't know how to face my parents (his grand parents) yet.
I kept missing him last week & over the weekend, I think he was staying out of my way. But I'm going to definately see him this week & have a quiet word.
I think the fact that the entire family knows what happened has shamed him in to apologising & admitting he's done wrong.

He's not using the following as an excuse, but more as an explanation for why he lashed out like he did.
He's blamed the stress of my sister & brother-in-law not doing his Uni financial form yet, leaving him with thinking he'd have to pay for Uni himself. Stupid really, his parents wouldn't let him go without. He should have voiced this concern quietly with them rather than bottling it up. On the flipside, his parents should have done it, or at least told him that it was in hand & would be done.

Plus as I've moved away from the area,it's always him that has to do any work around my parents house & his own house. His younger brother gets away without doing any. His dad is useless & his mum is limited to what she can do.

He claims he's drinking less than he did last year (when he was still under-age). No idea if thats true as I've no way of monitoring his drinking. My wife has made a few enquiries, & alcohol dependency can lead to violent mood swings. So I'm going to speak to him about that.

I think he's shitting himself about going to Uni, as he's always had someone to metaphorically wipe his arse for him at home.

A problem with him is he doesn't open up easily & talk to his parents about his problems.
He may talk to me, so I'm still going to have a word with him, although a slightly less harsh word than I would have had with him last week.
He will still be told in no uncertain terms that this is the one & only time that something like this will be forgiven.
And that if he seriously wants a military career he needs to control & channel his aggression.

As I said, the family are prepared to forgive & support him in this instance, if it keeps him on the straight & narrow. We don't want to turn our backs on him, & have him become a bigger problem to others & society later in life.

Thanks for everyone's comments, suggestions, & dare I say it in the NAAFI, concern.

Miner, could he live with you or his grandparents until he goes to Uni?

It might not put him on 'best behaviour', but it would make him 'think twice' about how he treats the people in his home.

Also, get him to start planning the move to uni; sorting his accommodation, buying what he needs, seeing if the uni arranges 'induction weeks', etc. Use the Uni web site; they all have loads of useful information, contact lists to Student Union, Student Welfare, Support Networks, and that might re-assure him.

And yes, his funding form is very late. Last year they had to be submited by April!

Miner as well as speaking with your nephew it may now also be a wise move to speak with your sister and your brother-in-law. They need to know that they must show him support through this time in his life.

The finance form isn't really anything to be worried about, its a bit long and requires input from parents but its not something you would kick off over.
I think, like you said, he is scared of moving away from his nest. No one will be there to hold his hand or protect him if things go wrong. He must understand if he wants to be a leader of men, he has to master himself first.

It doesn't sound like he has a drink problem, more of anger issues, directed at his parents. You said he won't open up to his parents, then you will have to try and crack his shell, get into his head. Ask him direct questions like "Your sh1tting yeself over Uni aren't ye?". But remember the egg shells

Maybe his results from his recent exams is also stressing him out, he may fear he has failed, or not done so good to get into Uni.

Good to hear he has apologies to most though.