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Discuss Recently single, what to do at the The NAAFI Bar forum within the The Army Rumour Service website; Fellow ARRSErs, I need your help. I've been seperated from my wife for about 6 ...
  1. #1
    Senior Member 3rdStafford's Avatar
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    Recently single, what to do

    Fellow ARRSErs, I need your help.

    I've been seperated from my wife for about 6 months, and frankly, I need a shag. My right hand and internet porn are okay, but it's been so long since I emptied my scrotum into a doris that I can't remember how it feels. Sheep/dogs/prossies are out of the question. It's got to be a real bird. No balaclava and chloroform either. She must be willing. That's where my problems starts. I was with my ex for about 8 years, and to be honest, I can't remember how to chat birds up. Sexually, I'm almost crippled.

    There is a glimmer of hope though. There's a woman at the company I work for who is also seperated/divorced. However, there are the usual pros and cons:

    Pro:
    She's 40, about 3 years older than me (I've mostly gone with birds a little older than myself)
    She's got a good body and a fine set of norks
    She's a bit "dippy" (always a bonus in my experience)
    She looks damn good in a pair of FMBs
    Lately she's been wearing very tight jeans/short skirts, low cut tops and possibly a wonderbra. Certainly gets my attention.

    Cons:
    Someone pointed out that she looks a bit like Gail Tilsley from Corrie
    She can talk for England
    She's got at least one sprog (a no-no in my book)
    She works at the same place as me
    She's very often late/absent because of "illness"

    What do I do? Buy earplugs and ask her out? Colour my grey hair, go to a student disco and try my luck with a 20 year old? I'm stuck and I believe you good people hold the key to success. Please help. All chat up techniques, phone numbers of slappers etc. gratefully received.

    PS. All the above is true, sadly.

  2. #2
    Senior Member hairyhandbag's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    Take a few tips from this gigolo

    Anglian Gigolo

    All the best
    Starboard 10, Round again, pull in the buoys

  3. 07-05-2009, 23:39

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  4. #3
    Senior Member putteesinmyhands's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    It's been nearly 19 years since my last sprog was born, and frankly, I need a shag. My right hand and internet porn are okay, but it's been so long since I emptied my scrotum into a doris that I can't remember how it feels. Sheep/dogs/prossies are out of the question. It's got to be a real bird. No balaclava and chloroform either. She must be willing. That's where my problems starts. I have been with my wife for about 29 years, and to be honest, I can't remember how to chat birds up. Sexually, I'm almost crippled.
    I know that's not exactly what you wrote, but that's what I was reading. When you get your answers, pass the results around to those of us who are just using marriage for love, affection, food and washing.
    "Hurrah for the Works Group" just doesn't have the same ring...

    "A volunteer is worth ten pressed men."
    So, a TA battalion or nine Regular Guards battalions? Not a difficult choice, then (especially as we don't have nine Regular Guards battalions).

    I am a number. I am not a free man.

  5. #4
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    My Italian brother-in-law had much the same problem when his Doris jacked him. So while we were on a visit to his this one time, we all went to the beach and he just walked along asking as many biddies as he could the same question: "Hey, gel, fancy a shag?" (Heh, ragazza, hai voglia a pompare?). He must have asked at least 300 biddies, but eventually he actually did find one who was willing.

    So get thee to a club or something and do the same. It worked for him, and he's an ugly pratt.

    MsG

  6. #5
    Senior Member Blue/GreenJob's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    Quote Originally Posted by Donkey-Spanker
    shag a it's
    I've removed all the superflous words from your post and you have written the answer yourself funnily enough.....the words are in the original order you posted them, just rearrange to suit...


    Hope this helps
    The Major said "Milligan, how long have you been in this man's Army?" I said "About 5 foot 11 inches"


  7. #6
    Senior Member putteesinmyhands's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    Quote Originally Posted by Bugsy
    My Italian brother-in-law had much the same problem when his Doris jacked him. So while we were on a visit to his this one time, we all went to the beach and he just walked along asking as many biddies as he could the same question: "Hey, gel, fancy a shag?" (Heh, ragazza, hai voglia a pompare?). He must have asked at least 300 biddies, but eventually he actually did find one who was willing.

    So get thee to a club or something and do the same. It worked for him, and he's an ugly pratt.

    MsG
    And hope that there's 300 birds in there who speak italian?
    "Hurrah for the Works Group" just doesn't have the same ring...

    "A volunteer is worth ten pressed men."
    So, a TA battalion or nine Regular Guards battalions? Not a difficult choice, then (especially as we don't have nine Regular Guards battalions).

    I am a number. I am not a free man.

  8. #7
    Senior Member Tremaine's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    Great idea, go to every Club in Guzz and ask all the women for a shag...best get a Kamikaze helmet and scarf, right the Will, and decide I don't like me face much any more. Before it's carved up by a drunken munter on stilts with hairy armpits.
    Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them
    What's a Sex Change? "It's when they get a bloke in hospital, remove half his brain then enlarge his mouth". Filthyphil

  9. #8
    Senior Member CQMS's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    Why not do what any discerning gentleman would do and take a hansome cab to the Whitechapel area of London, remember to take a claw hammer and a sharp knife.

  10. #9
    Senior Member the_boy_syrup's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    Internet ?
    Loads of birds on there looking for a squaddie
    We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort:
    As the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war.
    This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.
    The shame will always be with us.

  11. #10
    Senior Member putteesinmyhands's Avatar
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    Re: Recently single, what to do

    You could always go for a sex change to hermaphrodite.

    The downside is that you'd be late for work every morning.
    "Hurrah for the Works Group" just doesn't have the same ring...

    "A volunteer is worth ten pressed men."
    So, a TA battalion or nine Regular Guards battalions? Not a difficult choice, then (especially as we don't have nine Regular Guards battalions).

    I am a number. I am not a free man.

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