Recently single, what to do

**3rdStafford** · 07-05-2009, 23:03

Fellow ARRSErs, I need your help.

I've been seperated from my wife for about 6 months, and frankly, I need a shag. My right hand and internet porn are okay, but it's been so long since I emptied my scrotum into a doris that I can't remember how it feels. Sheep/dogs/prossies are out of the question. It's got to be a real bird. No balaclava and chloroform either. She must be willing. That's where my problems starts. I was with my ex for about 8 years, and to be honest, I can't remember how to chat birds up. Sexually, I'm almost crippled.

There is a glimmer of hope though. There's a woman at the company I work for who is also seperated/divorced. However, there are the usual pros and cons:

Pro:
She's 40, about 3 years older than me (I've mostly gone with birds a little older than myself)
She's got a good body and a fine set of norks
She's a bit "dippy" (always a bonus in my experience)
She looks damn good in a pair of FMBs
Lately she's been wearing very tight jeans/short skirts, low cut tops and possibly a wonderbra. Certainly gets my attention.

Cons:
Someone pointed out that she looks a bit like Gail Tilsley from Corrie
She can talk for England
She's got at least one sprog (a no-no in my book)
She works at the same place as me
She's very often late/absent because of "illness"

What do I do? Buy earplugs and ask her out? Colour my grey hair, go to a student disco and try my luck with a 20 year old? I'm stuck and I believe you good people hold the key to success. Please help. All chat up techniques, phone numbers of slappers etc. gratefully received.

PS. All the above is true, sadly.

**hairyhandbag** · 07-05-2009, 23:22

Take a few tips from this gigolo

Anglian Gigolo

All the best

**putteesinmyhands** · 07-05-2009, 23:42

It's been nearly 19 years since my last sprog was born, and frankly, I need a shag. My right hand and internet porn are okay, but it's been so long since I emptied my scrotum into a doris that I can't remember how it feels. Sheep/dogs/prossies are out of the question. It's got to be a real bird. No balaclava and chloroform either. She must be willing. That's where my problems starts. I have been with my wife for about 29 years, and to be honest, I can't remember how to chat birds up. Sexually, I'm almost crippled.

I know that's not exactly what you wrote, but that's what I was reading. When you get your answers, pass the results around to those of us who are just using marriage for love, affection, food and washing.

**Bugsy** · 07-05-2009, 23:43

My Italian brother-in-law had much the same problem when his Doris jacked him. So while we were on a visit to his this one time, we all went to the beach and he just walked along asking as many biddies as he could the same question: "Hey, gel, fancy a shag?" (Heh, ragazza, hai voglia a pompare?). He must have asked at least 300 biddies, but eventually he actually did find one who was willing.

So get thee to a club or something and do the same. It worked for him, and he's an ugly pratt.

MsG

**Blue/GreenJob** · 07-05-2009, 23:43

Originally Posted by Donkey-Spanker

shag a it's

I've removed all the superflous words from your post and you have written the answer yourself funnily enough.....the words are in the original order you posted them, just rearrange to suit...

Hope this helps

**putteesinmyhands** · 07-05-2009, 23:45

Originally Posted by Bugsy

My Italian brother-in-law had much the same problem when his Doris jacked him. So while we were on a visit to his this one time, we all went to the beach and he just walked along asking as many biddies as he could the same question: "Hey, gel, fancy a shag?" (Heh, ragazza, hai voglia a pompare?). He must have asked at least 300 biddies, but eventually he actually did find one who was willing.

So get thee to a club or something and do the same. It worked for him, and he's an ugly pratt.

MsG

And hope that there's 300 birds in there who speak italian?

**Tremaine** · 07-05-2009, 23:54

Great idea, go to every Club in Guzz and ask all the women for a shag...best get a Kamikaze helmet and scarf, right the Will, and decide I don't like me face much any more. Before it's carved up by a drunken munter on stilts with hairy armpits.

**CQMS** · 07-05-2009, 23:59

Why not do what any discerning gentleman would do and take a hansome cab to the Whitechapel area of London, remember to take a claw hammer and a sharp knife.

**the_boy_syrup** · 08-05-2009, 00:04

Internet ?
Loads of birds on there looking for a squaddie

**putteesinmyhands** · 08-05-2009, 00:07

You could always go for a sex change to hermaphrodite.

The downside is that you'd be late for work every morning.

**Kakashi** · 08-05-2009, 00:08

Originally Posted by Donkey-Spanker

No balaclava and chloroform either

Easy. Do it naked with a brick to the back of the head.

Picky cahnt.

**Suedehead** · 08-05-2009, 00:11

Try this nice combination.

**putteesinmyhands** · 08-05-2009, 00:24

Alternatively, you could invest in one of these:

Once you've managed the art of giving yourself a blowjob, you won't want for any other company. How else can you guarantee simultaneous orgasm or a blowjob WHENEVER you want?

You'd also be eligible for membership of Stonewall, which may or may not be a bonus...

**putteesinmyhands** · 08-05-2009, 00:30

Originally Posted by Suedehead

Try this nice combination.

You've no idea how long it took me to work out that the first image wasn't a Liquorice Allsort.

Apologies for thinking that you had an affinity towards schoolgirls.

**Litotes** · 08-05-2009, 00:39

Originally Posted by Donkey-Spanker

Fellow ARRSErs, I need your help.

I've been seperated from my wife for about 6 months, and frankly, I need a shag. My right hand and internet porn are okay, but it's been so long since I emptied my scrotum into a doris that I can't remember how it feels. Sheep/dogs/prossies are out of the question. It's got to be a real bird. No balaclava and chloroform either. She must be willing. That's where my problems starts. I was with my ex for about 8 years, and to be honest, I can't remember how to chat birds up. Sexually, I'm almost crippled.

There is a glimmer of hope though. There's a woman at the company I work for who is also seperated/divorced. However, there are the usual pros and cons:

Pro:
She's 40, about 3 years older than me (I've mostly gone with birds a little older than myself)
She's got a good body and a fine set of norks
She's a bit "dippy" (always a bonus in my experience)
She looks damn good in a pair of FMBs
Lately she's been wearing very tight jeans/short skirts, low cut tops and possibly a wonderbra. Certainly gets my attention.

Cons:
Someone pointed out that she looks a bit like Gail Tilsley from Corrie
She can talk for England
She's got at least one sprog (a no-no in my book)
She works at the same place as me
She's very often late/absent because of "illness"

What do I do? Buy earplugs and ask her out? Colour my grey hair, go to a student disco and try my luck with a 20 year old? I'm stuck and I believe you good people hold the key to success. Please help. All chat up techniques, phone numbers of slappers etc. gratefully received.

PS. All the above is true, sadly.

I sympathise with your predicament, D-S, but I don't have any solution!

Litotes