Cant even fire a blank

**hammy123** · 06-03-2009, 12:11

Dear Aunty ARRSE

Last night, whilst lying in my pit with Mrs Hammy, I decided since I couldnt sleep to crack one out whilst she was asleep. I couldnt be arrsed to vacate to the porn suite, or the spare room as its known so decided, since she seemed sound asleep, to knock a quick one into the quilt. Anyway, whilst approaching ground zero Mrs H awoke and politely queried what the feck was I doing spanking into the quilt when her chuff was ready, willing and able. So, not one to refuse an offer - I continued to do the wild thing with the Mrs. Now, this is where my problem, as I had been near the vinegar strokes with the spank, the Mrs expected me to start from scratch with the usual fondling, stroking, licking and punching. When it came to blast off, my weapon jammed and just wouldnt go bang. I tried all the usual drills but nothing worked. I found my mind wandering to events that had happened the previous day, what was happening the next day and so forth and my mind simply wasnt on the task of boning the mrs whilst she talked about a three some with her best mate.

So, aunty Arrse, what am I to do? is this the first step into middle age and drooping willies, tatty juice and viagra?

Please help

Yours, ballsfittoburst, The Toon

**pegasus797** · 06-03-2009, 12:16

You've got this all wrong........your worrying about nothing, take yourself away, have a fag and coffee before the realisation sets in that you are infact firing on all cylinders and the problem lies with her..............have you considered a part ex?

**Lexx_valentine** · 06-03-2009, 12:36

Originally Posted by hammy123

I tried all the usual drills but nothing worked.

Getting her to slip a digit in your arrse? Can work wonders if they know what they're doing..

**Mr_Deputy** · 06-03-2009, 12:37

This is why priests shouldn't marry you see.
Your thinking about wether you left the tea urn on in the village hall, what the children with the big foreheads who sit at the front in wheelchairs keep in those heads and why they can't carry a simple tune, whether it is wrong to fart under your Cassock while taking a service at the grave-side and if flares out a bit when you trump giving the game away, if Jesus farted, what they smelt like and if you've got enough bread for offertory and enough wine to see you through the rugby on saturday. Well its not strictly holy until you bless it, is it?
Relax Father. Maybe a short holiday or retreat would help?

**SNLR86** · 06-03-2009, 12:41

Would be happy to help, but full professional advice would necessitate a personal consultation with your partner. You will need to be absent, in order that she may speak freely. PM her details and I'll arrange a home visit.

**dingerr** · 06-03-2009, 12:44

Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.

**msr** · 06-03-2009, 12:49

Originally Posted by dingerr

Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.

And a nonchalant attitude as you look over your shoulder into the mirror

**762baynet** · 06-03-2009, 12:50

Originally Posted by dingerr

Enjoy it. Not blowing should have you banging like a porn star.

Adopt an air of arrogance, put your cowboy boots on and do her doggy with your hand on your hip.

Dingerr, you forgot the watch, a great big fcuk off gold watch...

**hammy123** · 06-03-2009, 12:51

Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.

**SNLR86** · 06-03-2009, 12:54

You also need to keep your socks on you'll need a perm, bushy moustache and some vamping Hammond organ background music. Or, so I'm told...

**Mr_Deputy** · 06-03-2009, 12:56

That'd be hilarious. Watching poon movies with your current ride knowing you were in fact behind the camera or or the stand in butternut squash pumping the clam.

Wait and put the snuff work on one night when you want to split up obviously.

**dingerr** · 06-03-2009, 12:57

Originally Posted by hammy123

Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.

Maybe Mrs H's home made movie with her ex (and Leroy, bubba and the rest of the boyz from the hood) will help.

**762baynet** · 06-03-2009, 12:58

Originally Posted by hammy123

Im considering going for the kinetic solution, a home movie made with my ex before I married the current Mrs H, Im sure she will appreicate that this will help me through this rough patch.

A 'danger wank'? Guaranteed to have the japanese sniper within a few strokes.

**hammy123** · 06-03-2009, 13:00

I hope she dosent recognise the room, its the same house you see

She may also recognise some of the visual and vocal traits, I may need to revise my act and go for a new style of sh*gging, maybe 1970's man as mentioned, or hippie man or something. If I stick to "come on you feckin fat b*tch, make me come or I'll tw*t you one", she may see the similarities with the vid.