If its not gonna stain spill beer on stuff, the wife will know you got drunk but wont suspect you cr@pping yourself

Oh and put the washer on a few times empty to ensure that when she does a white wash it doesn't come out brown

Work smart, not hard.

Don't try and clean up the mess beyond a reasonable effort - you will only get caught out in the end.

Instead, turn an embarassment into a source of sympathy. Minimise the mess from the booze down to a "couple of pints at Christmas" level. Then, go shopping for satsumas, dried fuits and other "healthy" stuff. Throw the contents away, but scatter the peel and wrappings liberally around the kitchen. Also, go skip diving for a couple of out of date packets of vol au vents or other such queggy foods.

Et voila - You had a couple of quiet drinks, and thought that rather than the usual festive over indulgence, you would be healthy and eat loads of fruit, and a couple of party bits that were in the reduced to clear aisle. Would you believe it, they must have been off. You were as sick as a dog, and even had "a bit of an accident".

Done well, it will be easier than trying to clear up to a forensic approved standard and may even get a bit of sympathy.

Blame the dog ! Works for me !

Why is Gods name did you feel the need to post a photo of the ginger wheel spins? That is just nasty!

Burn the house down
Should take care of any left over evidence neatly enough

Get a grip!!!!! Leave the mess and then tell her to clean it on her return?!

Had a similar problem in Dublin following a weekend on the Blackstuff (why so nice over there, but sh*t over here?) Bought some new from M & S and left the tarnished ones for the cleaner....

Editted for mongness....