A doctor walks in to an exam room, searching for a pen in his pocket.
The doctor pulls out a rectal thermometer and says "Dammit, some arseh*le has my pen".

Doctor, why have you got a suppository behind your ear.

Oh damn ..... etc


The old ones are the best!

They say that if a paki is born in Britain they are British.

Bollocks!!! If a dog is born in a stable its not a fuckin horse is it.

Pregnant Irish girl fones home."Mam oi tink me waters hav broke."Oh me Holy Jaysus.Where are ya ringin from?"Oim ringin from me minge to me fockin ankles.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?


The taste.

Coat, taxi, etc..

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Soldier stands guard
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

Jokes go in the lamp and sandbag!

Suppositories are useless. You might as well shove them up your arrse.