I looked at my Timex Stealth Youth Sports watch (okay it's not quite an Omega Seamaster like Mr. Conners', but it says 'Stainless China' on the back so it must be nearly as good). It was 20 to 9. We had to get a move on, but first I had another surpise for the lads.

According to Mr Conners, it was very important that the lads were full of 'piss and vinegar'. Well, I'd brought a bottle of Sarson's Malt Vinegar with me, so we were half-way there. I nipped behind a tree with an empty waterbottle to do the rest of the preparation.

It took a good bit of persuading, (the stout walking stick was useful here), but soon all the Ukranian Pickpockets had at least some 'piss and vinegar' in them, and we were ready to resume our patrol.

We had only covered around 100 yards from the copse, when Ukranian Pickpocket spotted something, and passed a message back to me.
"The copse" whispered Ukranian Pickpocket 8 who was dressed in a rather fetching pair of blue paisley patterned flannel pyjamas.
"Yes, I know we've just left it. What about it?" I replied tersely.

After a short but enjoyable game of 'Chinese whispers' or rather 'Ukranian whispers', I discovered that we had company.

The police had arrived.....

It's getting rather gripping this is, Im on the edge of my seat

Taking Ukranian Pickpocket 6 with me, I went over to speak to the policemen.

They seemed to be in good spirits, and kept giggling to themselves as we approached. I began to suspect they had been drinking.

"Right then Postman Pat, are you in charge of that lot?" the taller of the two policemen asked, leaning back against the side of the police car.

Either he really was drunk, or he was an imbecile. Any fool could see that it was a British Rail uniform I was wearing.

"Yes, I am. Why do you ask?" I replied as calmly as I could.

"We've had some reports of strange people walking around with guns, and I've got to say that you lot seem to fit the description" He looked pointedly at Ukranian Pickpocket 6's leopardskin patterned tights as he spoke.

"Are you from the TA centre? Is it fancy dress night tonight, or what?" he asked.

Before I could answer, Ukranian Pickpocket 6 proudly declared "We're the Ukranian Pickpockets"

Seemingly this was the wrong thing to say......

Excellent! Ranger Conners must be so proud........

One of the policemen started talking excitedly into his radio. I heard him mention "Eastern European gang" and "heavily armed".

It seemed like a prudent time for a tactical withdrawal on our part.

"Run Ukranian Pickpocket 6!" I shouted "I'll cover you".

I drew my trusty Webley, and loaded my last dart. If the policeman made one wrong move, he was mine......

Ukranian Pickpocket 6 stopped, and threw himself down, inadvertedly putting a hole in his wife's tights as he did so. "Go Ukranian Pickpocket 13!" he shouted.

I ran past before throwing myself down. As I lay there aiming my air pistol at the police car, I started to realise that we might not make it back to the TAC in time for the bar opening after all.

By the time we'd pepper-potted back to rest of the platoon, things were starting to seem more, and more 'Nam-like. The 'woppa-woppa' of rotor blades filled the air, as did the distinctive Vietnamese smell mentioned by Ranger Conners (we found out later that this mostly because Ukranian Pickpocket 11 had had an 'accident'). This all helped keep us focused on emulating our heroes, the 'Chinese Bandits'.

To be perfectly honest, even though it was vile, the smell of pilchard enriched excrement was a refreshing change for me. Whilst forcing one of the more 'reluctant' Ukranian Pickpockets to drink his 'piss and vinegar' I had spilt a good deal of the mixture on my jacket, and therefore smelt a bit like a tramp in a chip shop.

It looked as if action was both imminent, and unavoidable, so I got the Ukranian Pickpockets to check that their weapons were functioning as they should. Curiously though, very few of them seemed to work, and those that did made strange and alarming noises as the action was worked.

I decided that we hadn't cleaned them well enough, and that more sand, and more water was required. Perhaps if we mixed it together first, then poured it in, we'd get better results. Soon one man out of two was mixing sand and water in his mess tin ready to clean his rifle in the time honoured Chinese Bandit fashion.

Unfortunately pouring the liquid mud directly into the rifles didn't help.

We now only had one functioning weapon apart from the Webley, and that was Ukranian Pickpocket 12's. He'd misunderstood my orders, and had filled his magazines with sand instead.

I was starting to worry now.........seriously. The police helicopter was circling our position and shining a searchlight on us. On the bright side though, was the fact that Strathclyde Police don't have helicopter gunships at their disposal.

Our chances of making a fighting withdrawal were somewhat limited though, and the bar would be opening in less than 15 minutes.

It was panic time.....

We had no option but to try and make our escape. The 'Chinese Bandits' didn't give up and neither would we.

If watching numerous Vietnam films had taught me anything, apart from the value of headbands, it was that rolling a massive joint was the perfect preparation for a dangerous mission. So I did.

Soon, everything was melllow and chilled. Nothing was a problem. All we had to do was walk back to the TAC, and have a quiet beer. If the pigs wanted to fly around in their 'helicopters', it was like their problem man.......

I stood up "Hey guys, follow me, let's go back to the TAC and get some pork scratchings, I'm feeling kinda hungry".
Actually I was ravenous.

The Ukranian Pickpockets stood up as one man and set off after me. At this the police began to close in in a pincer movement.

As the first police Range Rover got closer, I noticed something unusual. Everything was bathed in a strange green light, and an unearthly pulsating, throbbing sound filled the air..........

The green light got brighter and brighter, and the noise got louder. I looked up, and to my disbelief saw a large cigar shaped spaceship. It was green in colour and had gold stipes along the sides. There was some writing too, it spelled Chinese Bandits.

Just then beams of green light shot out from the spaceship. It seemed that all the policemen were caught in the beams. Slowly, but surely the beams drew them up to the strange craft.

As soon as it had taken all the policemen, the ship began to rise further and further up into the sky, before it disappeared completely from sight.

Within minutes we were alone again, and all was well. Now for the biggest challenge of the night, getting to the bar first.

Back at the TAC, we really impressed the armourer with the state of our weapons. It was the first time I've ever seen him speechless. I left him standing stock still, staring at our rifles and headed for the bar.

After buying a round for the platoon to celebrate the formation, and successful first training mission of the Ukranian Pickpockets, I stood and reflected on the evenings events.

It hadn't been bad, perhaps a bit more exciting than I'd have liked for our first outing, but in general it had been a pretty good night.

Best of all was the fact that we'd been saved by the Chinese Bandits, I felt that we'd been accepted, and welcomed as brothers by our heroes. Truly a high accolade.




As to the fate of the policemen, I presume they were probed mercilessly.
It serves them right, no-one messes with the Ukranian Pickpockets.

outstanding. are there any further training exercises planned for the Ukrainan Pickpockets? i particularly like the sound of this #5 chappie.