A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer in impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
"Why not?" the man replies.
"Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing a dang thing, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
"No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this," he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."

A few for your perusal;

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Boona.
10. Kingfisher lager.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge ****off shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the
ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your * *country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Flash. Good post mate but you forgot Kylie. Top totty or what?

Hehehe....Keep it up lads!!!

How long does it take an American to have a S**t?


9 Months

The Irish SAS recently deployed to Longleat Safari Park where they rescued the ostriches and shot all the gorillas. *Having been tasked to support the US war on terrorism, they visited Battersea Dogs' Home and shot all the Afghans.

It's all true.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter-Pounder with cheese. *

Why to prostitutes wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop!! :P

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I
entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by
saying, "T - G - I - F."

I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."

She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I - F."

I acknowledged her remark once more by answering,
"S - H - I - T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly,
"T - G - I - F" one more time.

Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a
quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."

The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said,
"T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"

I answered back, "S - H - I - T.......
Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."