what goes hard after a couple of strokes??










Princess Margaret... .....ohhhhhhh

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Murphy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Murphy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Murphy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Murphy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "MURPHY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



"Ah, Fook it" says Murphy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

[Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Murphy's Laws of Combat

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines, AA Cdos, Paras and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a trench with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Tornados are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio Cp to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the BBC broadcasting the footie results?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?


Know why short FOOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!




*

Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing NBC state 3

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

MTs are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the garages during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

GENERAL:

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:

Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

LT. COLONEL:

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a request form is approved.

MAJOR:

Barely clears the drill hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN:

Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT:

Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the life jacket, talks to walls.

2ND LIEUTENANT:

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

SERGEANT MAJOR:

Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.

Not really a joke but true anyhow. The late, great Spike Milligans epitaph reads "I told you I was ill!"

Man is sitting in a restaurant, when a Duck walks up to him gives him a rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like Diamonds!"
The man calls the waiter over and says, "Waiter, I ordered A- ROMATIC Duck!!!!!!

Was sat in the pub the other day, watching a bloke trying to chat up a Cheetah. Thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one!!!"

Old lady goes upstairs to bed and looks outside before closing the bedroom curtains. She sees a couple of yobs breaking into her garden shed and calls the old bill.
The old bill thanks her for the call and says that unfortunately they don't have anyone in the area but someone will call as soon as they become available. The old lady puts trhe phone down, waits a minute and calls the fuzz again. She tells them not to bother sending someone as she has shot the bad boys.
Within 2 minutes an armed response unit, two patrol cars and a helicopter are all in the area and the scum are arrested.
Suddenly there is a knock on the front door. The old opens it to be confronted by a very angry Superintedent. "I thought you said you had shot the poor unfortunate youths who were trying to open your shed" says the Super. "I thought you said you had no-one in the area says the old lady1." *

Old lady goes upstairs to bed and looks outside before closing the bedroom curtains. She sees a couple of yobs breaking into her garden shed and calls the old bill.
The boys in blue thank her for the call and say that unfortunately they don't have anyone in the area but someone will call as soon as they become available.
The old lady puts the phone down, waits a minute and calls the fuzz again. She tells the rozzers not to bother sending someone as she has shot the bad boys.
Within 2 minutes an armed response unit, two patrol cars and a helicopter are all in the area and the scum are arrested.
Suddenly there is a knock on the front door. The old dear opens it to be confronted by a very angry Superintedant. "I thought you said you had shot the poor unfortunate youths who were trying to open your shed" says the Super. "I thought you said you had no-one in the area says the old lady1." *