Today it was announced that Kylie Minogue is to be awarded the OBE* in recognition of her singular work in keeping abreast of the cutting edge of cancer research.



* One Breast Excised.

onDo you want to join the Alzheimers Protest March?
If so, learn the chant:-
'What do we want?'
'we dont know'
'When do we want it?'
'Want what?'

A Muslim woman was walking past a pub in Easterhouse one afternoon when a drunk Glaswegian staggered out of the door.

He stared at the burkha-clad bint for a moment then laid into her, knocking her to the ground and kicking seven bales of shite out of the poor lass.

Finally, satisfied with his handiwork he looked down and muttered,

"You're no so feckin' hard the noo, eh Batman ?"

got a phone call the other day from an old flame of mine. It had been years since we'd spoken and was great to catch up. We were getting on really well and she suggested that we should meet up 'for old time's sake'. I was well up for it as I hadn't been getting any for a while. We arranged to meet up the following day.

Now in truth I'd let myself go a bit over the years and so thought I'd come clean. I told her 'I'm probably not quite how you remember me. I've started to go bald and have been indulging a little too much in the good life'. To which she started to giggle like a schoolgirl and then said to me 'Oh don't worry! I've put on a few pounds myself!!' So I told her to fcuk off.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?









Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.









So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

Whats 20 foot long and smells of piss?

Conga line in an old peoples home.

What do you do if you find a big black coffin on your doorstep ?

Give him a packet of Lockets and tell him to fuck off.

Got a new car stereo, it's voice activated. i say "country" and it plays Dolly Parton! I say "rock" and it plays guns'n' roses.The other day i was driving down the road and a kid jumped in front of the car,i shouted fecking kids and it played Gary Glitter!!

Home owners are being warned about three keys that have been proven to open 72% of house doors, 86% of motor vehicles and 91% of padlocks.


















The police have called them pie-keys, dar-keys and pac-keys.

OJ Simpson pitched up at his laywers office just before his trial, he was dressed in a sombrero and a Hawaiian shirt.

His laywer yells at him "No you stupid fucker I said 'YOU ARE GOING TO THE CAN, COON' "