http://www.arrse.co.uk/ en Sat, 25 May 2013 14:33:11 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.arrse.co.uk/images/misc/rss.png http://www.arrse.co.uk/ http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/199042-what-uniform.html Mon, 20 May 2013 15:00:03 GMT Image: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wseWi4WCsGI/UHwAuhWqRRI/AAAAAAAAAp0/OXWBUA_SO5o/s1600/Funny+Monkeys+With+Gun_2.jpg ]]> Armed Forces Jokes CptDanjou http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/199042-what-uniform.html http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/198717-ta-hits-spoof-headlines.html Mon, 13 May 2013 11:07:58 GMT Fear as village buzzed by military drones |...]]> Fear as village buzzed by military drones | The Evening Harold ]]> Armed Forces Jokes Banjo77 http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/198717-ta-hits-spoof-headlines.html http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/198279-technically-joke.html Fri, 03 May 2013 01:23:03 GMT Please watch, unfortunately the comments have been disabled!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7yewpb...eature=related ]]> Armed Forces Jokes Habayeb http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/198279-technically-joke.html http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197306-hornet-crows.html Wed, 10 Apr 2013 22:04:15 GMT Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue a F/A-18E/F Super Hornet... Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue a F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past, barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Faaaark!" exclaims one crow in surprise, "He was sure moving!"

The other crow replies, "I reckon you would be too if you had two arseholes and both of them were alight!" ]]> Armed Forces Jokes PigGunner http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197306-hornet-crows.html http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197256-falklands.html Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:39:29 GMT Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his... Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.
Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."
The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!" ]]> Armed Forces Jokes General Ginge http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197256-falklands.html http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197255-how-military-deal-snakes.html Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:32:02 GMT Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind. Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.... Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.
Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.
Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest. ]]> Armed Forces Jokes General Ginge http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197255-how-military-deal-snakes.html http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197222-value-officer.html Tue, 09 Apr 2013 11:37:36 GMT A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. ... A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer" ]]> Armed Forces Jokes General Ginge http://www.arrse.co.uk/armed-forces-jokes/197222-value-officer.html