Following the 'Cornwall' incident, and the subsequent balanced enquiry and report, new ROE setting out protocols for the use of boarding parties have now been issued to the Fleet (the ships as well as the St).

These protocols have been put together following an extensive consultation exercise with not only the axis of evil, potted rogue states and global jihadists, but with the whole panoply of human rights organisations and home-grown dissidents.

The S of S for Defence stated ”These protocols ring in the dawn of a new age in dealing with asymmetric threat and are seen as a template for future strategic doctrinal development. They are an example of best practice and world class, and have already been adopted by the Easter Island Defence Force (R)

Rules For Naval Boarding Parties

1. No boarding party shall be assembled unless it comprises of a fully diverse, multi-faith, and multi-racial team, and must include as an absolute minimum, 1 x Muslim, 1 x lesbian, 1 x homosexual, 1 x disabled and 1 x transgendered person, with a diverse range of language skills including Farsi, Chinese, Indian, Filipino and Arabic (English is optional).

2. Each party shall be issued with a comprehensive suite of pre-recorded pro-jihadist, anti-Western programmes and leaflets, in a variety of formats including sound only versions for the visually impaired and Braille for the visually/aurally impaired. In addition each team must carry an audio loop. No member shall deploy unless he/she/it has received media ops trg.

3. No combat dress is to be worn as this can cause tensions when boarding. Jumpsuits, in non-threatening pastel shades shall be issued, with name badges prominently displayed both front and rear in Farsi and Arabic, with a raised font for those requiring Braille.

4. Badges of rank may be worn, however they are to be affixed with Velcro so they can easily be removed to give the impression that nobody is in charge, or swapped so the best person can take charge.

5. Before undertaking any boarding a sound risk assessment is first to be undertaken. AWACS will be deployed (taking care to ensure that it remains at a safe distance from any potential threat) to assess the risk. If there is the slightest indication that there is the slightest risk the operation is to be called off immediately and handed over to the Health & Safety Executive for action. In any event no boarding party must launch without signed authority from the S of S for Defence. If the ocean is the slightest bit choppy, or any of the team subject to sea-sickness, the boarding is to be immediately cancelled.

6. Boarding is to be carried out in a non-threatening non-judgemental way and care must be taken not to stereotype when conducting a sensitive search of the boat. Weapons, if they are deemed necessary, are to be unloaded and worn casually as if to give the impression that they are mere accessories, and not an essential tool to up the ante if required.

7. If, after boarding, there is the slightest hint of a raised voice the entire boarding party is to lay down its weapons and MOD F90, undress, and state:

“We, part of the evil Western Empire, are truly sorry that we have disturbed your gun running activity and would be grateful if you would transport us immediately to the nearest rogue state. You will be aware that under the Geneva Convention we are allowed to retain our Stonewall membership cards, our family (and by family we don’t just mean 2 +2, they come in all shapes and sizes) sized bag of dolly mixtures, and out iPod with downloadable Islamic chants and prayers, and would be grateful if you would respect this. In addition, permission to retain that nice propelling pencil that dear old Auntie Mavis gave me for Winterval last year would b appreciated.

8. Immediately, it is known that the boarding party has taken the sensible decision and surrendered, a General Naval Order is to be immediately issued ordering the entire fleet, including underwater assets, to make their way , at full speed, back to Portsmouth, where a vast array of counsellors will be waiting to provide the necessary support. They will remain there until the terms of surrender have been finalised between the Government of the Rogue State and the Media Operations Director of the BBC.

End of Revised Boarding Party Rules

Gordon Brown, our Viceroy-Elect, says “I am entirely content with this policy. However, I am not entirely comfortable with this ‘full speed’ direction, particularly as the price of oil is so high. I have therefore directed Lord Drayson and his world class procurement team to investigate ways, without compromising op effectiveness, of converting the Fleet to sail.

10/10

Very good

You have too much time on your hands :D :D :D

Excellent.

I've just sent this to an American colleague and he asked why the Easter Island Defence Force was so good that the Brits would copy their best practice!!

Happy with that. Printed out and left on ex-booties desk.

Item 2- they could have all that jihadi wailing loaded onto i-pods, so when they get nicked the enemy will be confused into thinking they are friends, and will be happy to keep the lezzers forever

What no Roll mats?

Copy sent to Tugboat Turney!?

90% accuracy. Now doing the rounds in SHAPE.