Wedding guests

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Taff49, Apr 12, 2010.

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  1. The 'Lone Wolf', usually a friend of the grooms from uni or long distant workplace. Reserved at first but with a cool air about him, usually to be found outside on his phone quite a bit and has a cheeky raport with the grooms Mother. Once suitably oiled he is brilliant, quick witted, unshockable and now in the role of pied piper invariably leads a group of you out of the venue and into a waiting taxi triggering a 24 hour session involving a casino, Bournemouth Pier, nudity and a fight in a curry house....Marcus you legend :)
     
  2. random_person
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    random_person

    Just to get this back on track:

    The Bride's Former Best Friend.
    She is either married or single. Knew the bride when they were in school together, but lost contact. Lost a lot of weight and looks better than she did when she was the bride's best friend “forever”. Only reason she was invited was so that the bride could justify the big honking overpriced country club her wedding is being held at. If married, pretty much stays with her husband the entire night. If single, moans about how she was stuck at the awful table with the bride's mother (who can't sit with the father because they're divorced and hate each other). Gets pissed and spends the night being hit on by...

    The Bride's Deadbeat Brother.
    Never had a real job; been in and out of prison several times. Considers military service beneath him. Mainly here for the free booze. Gets so drunk he either gets into a fight or has to be driven back to his hotel.
     
  3. Lampoc
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    Lampoc Clanker

    Sober Internet geek: Spends all evening staring at folk whilst making mental notes about anyone who stands out in particular. May get excited at overly-fat-bridesmaid-in-awful-pink-dress or drunken-father-of-bride-swearing at-new-son-in-law. Will take photos or video before leaving party early so he can tell his 'friends' all about it on his blog or favourite online community forum. ;)
     
  4. squilverine
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    squilverine Clanker

    The Cheapskate

    Usualy a cousin of some sort who has been invited because of family politics rather than any wish to actualy spend time with them. Normaly seen chasing the waitresses during the champagne reception for an extra glass or three of bubbly and a personal tray of canape's. Tends to keep a fairly low profile until the meal at which point they launch into the table wine with the gusto of an Eithiopean at a Harvester salad cart, after the meal they slope off to the bar to order a soft drink which they then spend the evening topping up from a hip flask or a couple of miniatures hidden about their person. They are normaly asked politely to leave once caught tipping a tray of five spiced chicken from the evening buffet into a carrier bag "for the journey home".

    The Grooms estranged father

    Turns up looking like a cross between Morissey and a disheveled Hobbit, wearing a suit which Oxfam would turn their noses up at, he has to be seated as far as possible from his ex wife who spends the entire meal glaring daggers at him as he tucks into a plate of cheese and ketchup because he "doesn't like "funny food" or roast chicken as everyone else there knows it. After the meal is done he spends most of the evening complaining to anyone unlucky enough to get cornered about how much it cost him to get there and how much the drinks at the bar cost before breaking into tears about his failed marriage, when he finaly works out that this is all a bit embarassing he slopes off home early to look after his 7 dogs.
     
  5. Trans-sane
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    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    Been both of them in my time TBH. Except I didn't start puking everywhere but instead started a hedge jumping competition. And with beer fueled teenaged sense of invulnerability decided to win at all costs, cleared the hedge, fell downm the haha and somehow got covered in peacock shit... I suspect even if there had been any single guests of a similar age to me I would have failed to pull :lol:
     
  6. RearWords
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    RearWords LE

    The Ex-Wife and the Ex-Husband

    Went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the ex's of both bride and groom were invited cause the children of both wanted them there. Now both sets had had acrimonious divorces with both parties still giving grief in respect of child access. When news of their impending invitation to the wedding became public knowledge friends and family of the happy couple started a book on whom would cause the first upset. Invitees whom had previously decided not to attend changed their minds. The amount of pre-wedding tension was palpable and I don't mean between the bride and groom. The day finally dawned and we all sat back and waited for the inevitable volcano to erupt.

    The ex-wife turned up, alone, in an outfit best described as virginal white (the bride, on her second marriage was obviously not in white). With a determined face (I'm planning on fcuking up your wedding day cause I'm not happy and he sure as hell is not going to be happy today either). The ex-husband arrived, alone, in an interesting outfit, certainly colourful and wouldn't have been out of place at any rugby match. Eying his ex-wife and her soon to be new husband with looks that most definitely would kill. The guests were split in two with some trying to make matters worse by goading the two ex's, whilst the others were placating the anxious bride and separating the 'almost at boiling point' groom.

    Then someone had the brilliant idea of introducing the two ex's to each other (not me I might add, although I wish I could have taken credit for it). What followed was surreal, the two of them spent the entire time knocking each other's former partners, whilst getting inebriated and last seen heading off to get a room in the honeymooner's hotel. I believe breakfast the next day was a hoot as both sets of couples eyed each other across the hotel's dining area. And those of us who were at the wedding are still dining out on this story.
     
  7. Fat_Cav
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    Fat_Cav LE

    Groom's Boss - Obnoxious ferret of a man who counts David Brent as a personal hero of his. Dresses in a snappy siut (courtesy of his out-of-his-league wife who's shagging the Personal trainer) but the comb-over is adding to his 45 years. Spends most of the evening introducing himself as "Hi I'm Geoff, the Groom works for me" and gives that knowing-but-doubtful wink when people say how it must be fun to work with the Groom, followed by "Not 'with', I'm his boss" and this is repeated ad infintum all night. Splashes the cash and even embarrasess the happy couple by 'jokingly' pronouncing in front of the them and as many people as he can, "I don't know how you can afford such a lovely wedding on what I pay you?". Leaves in a huff when he notices that the wife has taken a shine to one of the young hunky cousins and drags her off the dancefloor after untangling them from the Lambada-stylee grinding.
    The wedding is never ever mentioned again at work.
     
  8. Taff49
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    Taff49 LE

    ahem, now that triblaby has fukced off

    The Wild Card Serviceman: a close female friend of the bride has just started seeing him, and invite's him as her plus one. He doesn’t know anyone else there. Turns up in a hastily rented suit, a shirt with the package creases still in it and shoes he bought that morning. Lay’s into the table wine, and tells everyone at the table he is a Lama Farmer. Laughs in all the wrong places during the speech’s and applauds loudly when the best man cracks anything approaching a joke. Gets happily drunk and offers to strip off and show the grooms mum and the bride’s mum his collection of tattoo’s. Has a good natured argument with a couple of the elder male guests, and is generally thought of as a good egg. Splits up with his girl friend the following week, and never see’s any of them every again, although he has managed to get into every single photo.

    Grooms useless younger brother – bit of a waster but has to be there because he is the apple of his mothers eye. Ends up on the fringe of every photograph and spoils them all by looking like he has far better things to do than celebrate his brothers wedding. Canes the free wine and starts an argument with the groom’s squaddie mates, who he resents as they are uniformed up and have monopolised all the single female talent available. Gets thrown out of the reception when he is caught boning one of the waitress’s in the disabled toilet. Punches’ a member of staff during the eviction process. Police are called, and the happy couple’s first dance is rendered surreal by seeing them illuminated by blue flashing lights from the carpark.
     
  9. BarkingSpider
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    BarkingSpider LE

    If you must plug your bloody awful website at least give us a link.
     
  10. Steven
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    Steven LE

    Free table wine and a pay bar?

    What an extraordinarly generous gesture!
     
  11. Markintime
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    Markintime LE

    Sitting on a table of ten and realising that the male of one couple and the female of another have had an affair. It's amazing how quickly the other 6 people on the table catch on but the respective partners are totally oblivious.

    Being invited to a squaddie wedding (groom not very popular/newly posted in so invites all the singlies) and finding out that the bride is the biffer you shagged in The Havelock Gents, The Traff Gents, The Crimea Gents and the Public Toilets (Ladies - who said variety is dead?). You get introduced to the bride (wearing virgin white) and her eyes light up in recognition. During the reception she makes a point of telling you what her new quarter address is.
     
  12. re-stilly
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    re-stilly LE

    This is great, I have 2 weddings coming up, both workmates of the CO. It will be interesting to see how many of these I can spot. Alternative is get pissed and make an arrse of myself just to fall into one of the categories
     
  13. absquatulation
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    absquatulation Old-Salt

    At a guess it's this one......

    favourite online community forum

    Warning: may contain swearing!
     
  14. brokerboy
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    brokerboy Old-Salt

    A pay bar at a wedding ?? tight bastards, must have been up north.
     
  15. seaweed
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    seaweed LE Book Reviewer

    Looking at the photos afterwards and there is a slightly mad female cousin in the background peering from behind a church buttress where she has been having a discreet pee.