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Weapons of Walt

View attachment 197797 I have one of these and I'm trained up to shit brown belt standard so watch it.

Is that a butter knife? Seriously lethal.

My Nana's been using the same butter knife for the better part of fifty years, God only knows how many different handles it's had, but it's as sharp as a f*ck, never been sharpened properly - but she only ever buys brown bread, I can only presume that half a century of running over wholemeal kernels have sharpened it beyond belief. The edge of the blade is almost transparent.

The blade of her butter knife puts me in mind of Death sharpening his scythe in Terry Pratchett's "Mort", he starts off sharpening it on a whetstone, moving onto silk, before finally sharpening it on air.
 
No wonder the NHS A&E budget is overstretched...

NHS? Way off the mark mate. Although I've got my "First Aid at Work" and "First Aid at Height" tickets - if that helps?

I studied medicine briefly at university before I realised that my Biology wasn't good enough, so transferred across to Chemistry. Fat load of use a 2:1 in Chemistry was in the Royal Signals............. No, I wasn't an officer - although we did have one with a degree in Zoology!
 
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I've changed my mind the wife is now my second choice the sister in law is now no 1. She turned up on the front door step last night saying surprise I've come for Easter that's nice I'm going away for Easter enjoy keeping an eye on the two twenty year old kids while we are away.
 
Hello, are you a burglar?

Why yes, Mr Muddybutton, sorry to bother you. Can we just take this telly and stuff?

Hurrrrrrrrrrr.

Bang. As the sound of a redneck hits the floor, never to awaken again.
Careful woman, or I'll tie you to a chair and have random old blokes tell you boring stories that never go anywhere until you shuffle off into the light.
 
A quick look about and I see an Alexander Brothers LP, a ukulele and a paper shredder (all true).
1. Put on the LP and lower needle at the track 'Nobody's Child'.
2. As the tears well up in the assailants eyes at the sad plight of the child in the song (blinding him temporarily) I stun him with the Ukulele.
3. I now need to pummel him flatter than 3 or 4 pages of A4 (or the dammed shredder jams) and then feed him into the top slot.
Sorted
 
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