The minger that got away........................

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Juan_Ramirez_III, Mar 25, 2010.

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  1. charlie_five
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    charlie_five Clanker

    Out of that whole tale the thing that made me think WTF was the fact that you put the plug in!!! :omfg:
     
  2. Young,chubby,calls you daddy,and into water sports im thinking why the fcuk isnt she Mrs verticalgyro birds like that dont come along very often. The only watersports i had was when giving the missus a good drunken pounding i ignored her pleas of a full bladder and kept my fiddlers elbow efforts up without warning her bladder gave way and the jet of vodka and coke infused urine hitting my cock like a shower turned on full had me splashing her womb with my man fat in double quick time. She wont take it any further but does spit in my mouth when riding me which i recommend to lovers of all bodily fluids.
     
  3. Cow
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    Cow LE

    Round at the parents servicing their car, Gwar turns up at the door. My brothers only shagging a ginger minger...

    I would have.. just to say I had.

    Not pissed on a bird, woudn't mind thought, it'd save me going to the sink.
    I was shagging some bird in Nuneaton, it ended when I got back from SL and the lads said she'd been seen around camp. She was up for anything.. Nice mates though, like to see how they look now!
     
  4. JimPooley
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    JimPooley Old-Salt

    Poetry mate, Poetry.

    Almost makes me want to be bothered with this place again. I might have a delve into my nefarious past, and have a little scribble.... :D
     
  5. Porridge_gun
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    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    I've posted a few things on here about Blondething, a bird nine years old that me when I was seeing her, which meant as I hit my 21st birthday she was the filthiest best fcuk I'd ever had at that stage.

    I was horrible to her, her dad had Parkinsons and I used to sit there laughing at him and her mum looked like Pat Pheonix but with yellow teeth, she truly hated me, I only came round late at night when I wanted my balls emptying and couldn't even call her by her name. On the phone 'Oi shakey, put blondething on' or 'Hiya pat, tell blondething I'll be there when Brannigans closes' This hatred focussed futher when I p1ssed all over her couch, video and tele, but thats another story.

    I was posted to Dishforth, but lived in Blackpool. I opted to live out because it gave me an extra £180 in food and accomodation and just gonked in a transit room when(rarely) staying on camp. I'd written my shiney BMW off and spent the insurance money on a weekend to Amsterdam, Armani clobber and p1ssed the rest against the wall, so was stuck in camp for the weekend. I had a mobile phone, and Friday night having w@nked my nads flat I lay in bed wide awake feeling sorry for myself. I knew Blondething loved me, the silly cow kept telling me as I abused her and degraded her by practising everything I'd seen in porn on her.

    I called her off my massive motorola breeze block, asked her what she was upto for the weekend...... She said nothing, so I told her to get her mum to drive her the 90 miles to camp and spend it here with me. She thought it was a proper date and I soon got a call to say she was on her way. This gave me two hours to make a transit room seem semi homeley, clean, tidy and remove any evidence that I'd had anyone else there, porn (Sex anal and color climax) would do me no favour.

    She called me from her mums mobile about half an hour out to ask me if I'd be in uniform, as her mum had never seen me in it. 'Of course' I said, 'I'll meet you at the gate'

    All my kit was in the wash or stuffed in the bottom of a kit bag out of the way, I had no option but to put my two's on, fresh back from a drill pigs course, they looked good and it was on hand.

    As the camp rats made their way to the taxi rank to abuse the on armed taxi driver and attempt to pull Ripons ugliest cumdumps I made my way to the guardroom, to meet my 30 year old blondslag.

    The guardcommander was from my squadron, I told him what was happening, he suggested I bang her all over the hanger and gave me the doorkeys, then suspicious Dave the gate guardian let her in. I smartly walked over, pointed to the turning circle so her mum could fcuk off schnell macken and like a gentleman opened her door and let her out. She looked in fcuking good nick, without spending a single penny I'd got a doughy eyed fit bird in her sexual prime to camp and I intended to make my nob sore for the entire weekend.

    Being a cnut I walked her into the guardroom to sign her in, and lifted the back of her skirt to show her thonged arrse to the Gc comd, 2i/c & Soldiers under sentence. She giggled and said 'stop it Chris' her pass just said 'Blondething' and location said 'L/CPL MDNs underpants'

    The uniform was a massive hit, on the way to the hangar, she told me she'd been soaking wet all the way over at the thought, stood and pecked me on the cheek and elegently peeled her knickers off giving me wood that a cat couldn't climb up with cramp ons. I confiscated the knickers and put them on the shiney new eagle that had freshly appeared at the top of the drill square...... She got treated to a quick fingering there too.

    In the hangar I did everything I could to bang her everywhere, SSMs, OCs desks, Ops room, MT all of them, then we went out to the hangar and did her in the back of a Lynx. The guard commander being a cnut had also snook down and was watching, he recalled beautifully in the crew room on monday morning how 'MDN was on his knees in a Lynx Door, in his twos way while a pretty blonde girl was asked to eat his arse out' Bless her, she did it and wanked me off. Id didn't take long despite about three w@nks earlier.

    We went back to the room, I changed into normal peoples clothes, went over to the NAAFI and treated her to a vending machine scotch egg and a pint, I did the decent thing and degraded her further in front of my friends before returning to the block to explore anal sex to the full.

    Looking back Blondething really did adore me, stupid cow. I also recall how badly and horrifically I treated her. She would do anything she loved me that much, I abused this by letting her tongue my hoop, farting on her in a 69 and trying to choke her cum, cock and sometimes my boll0cks.

    I introduced her to a pal of mine, who immediatley gave her a kiss, only to here me saying, 'can you taste my walnut on her, she's just been licking it'

    I binned her about three months later, I saw nothing of her for years, then when I went to the dentist, she appeared, three stone heavier and holding one of those sucky hoses........ I hate dentists at the best of times, but a dentist employing an ex girlfriend who's disabled father you'd tortured and who's anus I'd assaulted was a pretty scary visit.
     
  6. sfub
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    sfub

    PG - when you were at Dishforth, did you know the female Air Trooper known as "Bambi"? I did... :oops:
     
  7. mistersoft
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    mistersoft LE

    Tell.
     
  8. sfub
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    sfub

    Accomodating girl - ended up in a B and B in Andover after meeting her in "Flicks"... never found out her real name. I was too drunk to raise a smile, let alone owt else. I know she was at Dishforth about the same time as PG..
     
  9. mistersoft
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    mistersoft LE

    Hence the one that got away. :lol:

    Things have obviously moved on since I was last in Andover. To us, a B and B was a bus stop.
     
  10. Porridge_gun
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    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Yes, from Penrith, one of the first batch of Air trooperettes.

    Ended up married to a BAT, she is a civvy now, he's a nice bloke AQMS somewhere.

    I didn't nail her though, I had a room opposite hers for a while, reckon she saw my nob 8 times a day for three years, she probably still dreams aboout it, I had a thing for being 'tackle out'
     
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  11. Pebbles015
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    Pebbles015 LE

    A couple of years ago when I split with my missus I joined plenty of fish.

    I'd been pulling scutters in town but wanted something more and decided that 'dating' was the way to go. Now t'internet dating itself was a minefield. There are so many head the balls, loons and stalkers I considered jacking it in and sticking to the local clubs. And don't get me started on profile pics. A few disastrous dates and I met this lass. A school teacher. She was a moose and although not morbidly so, was fat but fuck it. We got on like a house on fire. She was funny and could hold intelligent conversation.

    A few dates later we were out and I thought I'd like to jump it and called the travelodge by the sainsburys and managed to get a room. She lived in Worcester and my housemate had his mum staying. We picked up some wine on the way and bundled into the room. Off comes our kit and to my astonishment, she had a clitoris that was like a baby boys knob, not made any better by the complete lack off grass on the pitch.

    I kept up with the heavy petting flinging as much wine down my neck as I could manage when coming up for air in the hope that I would pass out eventually. No such luck. I couldnt go through with it so came up with some guff that 'I'm still in love with my ex...blah blah blah' made my excuses and left.
     
  12. Porridge_Gun, - Post #101, What a bleak, nihilistic & ultimately terrifying tale.

    A cracking good read too - 5 stars.

    (Must have been heartstopping - seeing her appear in the dentist, your comfort & safety in her hands....)
     
  13. Fireplace
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    Fireplace LE

    Juan,

    I hope you're fucking proud of yourself. Just look at what you've started here!

    Army education courses in English composition must be of the highest grade judging from these submissions. Especially true in the case of the longer essays.

    In the 1960s you lot could have kept the publishers of cheap pulp paperback books in the seedy stores I used to visit in Paddington and Soho well stocked with new titles.

    I have subscribed to this thread in hopes of more of the same.
     
  14. noshmon
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    noshmon Swinger

    Here's my contribution:

    A mate of mine had just passed ADSC so I waited at his gaff and dragged him down to the pub as soon as he had got changed into normal clothes. This is the pub that we frequent for 3 reasons. 1) The barmaid is gorgeous 2) Its one of the few places around here that has a slightly rough atmosphere so we don't get shouted at for swearing and 3) It's one of 3 places that we've not yet been kicked out of. After a few hours there they'd run out of Guinness. My oppos suggestion of "just drink something else you miserable twat" was met with "Feck off. Their rum is crap. We'll get in somewhere else"

    We stumble off and as I walk past one bar I recognise the doorman. Not a "oh shit, he gave me a shoeing" recognition - I was at his wedding. Excellent thinks I, and walk up to him with a big handshake and the "how you doing mate" speil. After a little chat he lets us in and I realise we're at a kareoke bar. In my drunken state I was practically Kelly Jones so wondered up to the bird that was singing and destroyed her (quite good) version of I don't want to miss a thing as our future pongo got the drinks in.

    After I had finished damaging eardrums I joined my mate outside for a smoke. This routine carried on for a few songs including me singing "Micky" with a particularly ugly bird before realising it was a gay bloke in drag. On the last time of going out for a fag our very pissed percy looks up at me with a stupid grin on his face and say "Noshers, guess what!" "Don't look at me like that you creepy prick" came the reply. A combination of being threaders from ADSC and too much cider, he started laughing and then chundered all over me, which set me off laughing. Barman comes outside sees two blokes laughing - one covered in his mates puke and fishing chunks of pasty out of his drink - lets out a little girly shreek and tells us to leave whilst trying not to do the 5 knuckle spray. I neck my drink (now without any chunks in it) and head for the door, grabbing the first thing with long hair on my way out.

    Over the road was a kebab shop. I sent the bird in to buy 3 kebabs whislt I sorted out my oppo still blowing chunks. When she went inside to get said kebabs I had a quick look to make sure I hadn't actually grabbed the tranny. All was good, I wouldn't have to make a speedy escape just yet. She was a thing of beauty. Ginger, about 26 stone, cellulite showing through opaque tights. You know the type. After much puking, laughing and stumbling, we got back to my mates house.

    Being worse for wear, but strangely still not wearing beer goggles, he passed out face first in his half eaten kebab ruining my plan of sharing this complete hippocrocagrillapig with him. Ahh well, I'll crack on then. On his sofa she'd already peeled those skintight black leggings off and was sat there in just her top with cellulite of full display. It tried to snog me but its breath was honking. I still don't know to this day if she'd just not brushed her teeth for a month, or had been eating tinned dog food. I'm beginning to think maybe both. I decided my best way of evading sharing smelly saliva was a spot of muff diving. Bad move. Hygeine down there was as a sober mind would expect from its breath. Shit. After holding my breath for as long as I could I came up for air and the stench on my top lip nearly knocked me out. I decided to just crack on and get it done.

    Whipping my cock out, in I went. After a few positions she went doggy style. Now I've no idea how they got there but somehow I had her horrid kegs on my head. I'd nearly fallen off the couch so threw an arm out to stabilise myself which went straight into my boot. I straighten up and carry on. I feel the about to spaff sensation. This is when old chilli sauce face looks up. He sees me with an enormous pair of kegs on my head, a boot on my right hand, and me pulling out the last few strokes with my left. He's still got that daft smile on his face that he had when he puked all over me. Half way through throwing my gentlemans relish (I'm aiming for her hair at this point) I look up and see my oppo looking at me with the face of an irish man. It's part bemused, part disgusted, but mostly trying not to laugh. Getting eye to eye with another bloke mid spunk is a VERY strange experience. Made even more so when you're wearing nothing but some off white kegs on your head, and a boot as a glove. I reacted in the only way that seemed fitting at the time. I smirked, winked and then started laughing. My mate started laughing. Before long we're both laughing with this whale of a woman getting more and more agitated. She got dressed and my oppo being a good lad told her to get the fcuk out of his flat, throwing her purse that she forgot out the window with amazing accuracy hitting her in the back of the head.

    The trip to work (I'm currently a civvy, but try not to hold it against me) the next day was interesting to say the least. It took me a 40 minute shower to get the stench out of my face after getting home.
     
  15. Badger_Heed
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    Badger_Heed LE

    I'd like to meet your parents and then strangle the pair of cunts for siring you.
     
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