How do you kill a dog and make it look like natural causes

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by MrPVRd, Nov 5, 2007.

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  1. MrPVRd
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    MrPVRd LE

    This is only half serious...at the moment!

    A feckless neighbour has a dog in a cage that barks at all hours. They have been the subject of repeated complaints, visits from the dog warden and so on over years. They even lied to the dog warden saying the dog was to be destroyed. Apparently their children love the little dear, so much it is left outside to bark all the time...even tonight, with fireworks going off every so often. It's repeated intrusive bark sounds like range practice (rapid fire) with piercing sharp barks echoing every 2 seconds.

    The neighbours are shortly to be served a letter informing them that court proceedings will be instigated. However, patience is wearing very thin and I need to know what to do if the red mist descends.

    I have the following options in mind:

    1. Slit its throat and mount its severed head on a stake in the garden. It has crossed my mind that this may get me into a little trouble.

    2. Throw a few bars of chocolate into its cage, apparently toxic to canines. If it ate the lot, and the wrappers, I could get away with it. I could even plant a receipt in the cage so it looks like the dog bought the chocolate, just in case.

    3. Throw a cat into the cage so the dog kills it and is destroyed.

    4. Place a small pile of fireworks in the cage, light and run. It might look like a Bonfire Night accident.

    5. Steal the dog, so it is assumed that a dogfighting ring have taken it.

    Any suggestions?
  2. smudge67
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    smudge67

    get the biggest banger you can find, wrap with bacon, light, and throw to said dog.....jobsagoodun
  3. CQMS
    Online

    CQMS LE

    Kidnap it and put it in your garden, see how the neighbours like it.
  4. smudge67
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    smudge67

  5. The_Rattler
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    The_Rattler LE

    give the dog an OD on some prescription stuff lots and lots in the meat

    it will sleep for a vv v v v v v v long time "I have been told"
  6. dryroasted
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    dryroasted

  7. Random_Task
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    Random_Task LE

    I thought this was another one of those bizarre threads by Devil_Dog.
  8. Werewolf
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    Werewolf LE

    Yeah - man up and slot the OWNER, not the dog. :evil:
  9. smartascarrots
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    smartascarrots LE

    Throw a starving wolverine into the cage. What happens next will be pretty much 'natural causes'.

    But, if you're determined to avoid suspicion, remember that neglected pet dogs tend to be pathetically grateful for any attention shown them. Just wait until its parents... erm, I mean owners,... go out to a restaurant, kidnap... steal, I meant steal... the dog and spirit it away. Having whipped up a media frenzy (as many pages as the local free paper can spare), the remains can be secreted in a nearby ditch and 6 months later you can return to work on a part-time basis.
  10. FrankCastle
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    FrankCastle LE

    Call the local Plod and tell them the owner's a suicide bomber.

    Given the marksmanship of the most coppers, they'll probably slot both man and dog! :twisted:
  11. Werewolf
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    Werewolf LE

    Go anywhere near a starving Wolverine and I guarantee a dog keeping you awake at night will be the LEAST of your problems! 8O

    Please feel free to ignore this advice. Just let me film you for YouTube... :twisted:
  12. MrPVRd
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    MrPVRd LE

    Many thanks for the tips. I am currently thinking about eating it, to destroy the evidence. I might even kill it first.

    Alternatively, we have a "wood burning stove" which could become a "woof burning stove"....
  13. Trick
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    Trick War Hero

  14. sandy_boots
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    sandy_boots War Hero

    If the dog spends time in their house feed it laxative chocolate. Two weeks of Bisto on their carpets they'll have it put down themselves.
  15. MAD_FERRET
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    MAD_FERRET War Hero

    sell it on ebay. no one will ever know, apart from the satisfying silence..
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