- 10-07-2012, 13:00 #21
Chav with a parrot on his shoulder walks into the vets, what seems to be the problem asks the vet.
The parrot replies I've got this weird growth on my feet.
- 10-07-2012, 13:15 #22
Bloke goes into a pub with a pork pie pie on his head. The barman says "Sir, did you know you have a pork pie on your head?"
"Of course" said the bloke "I always wear a pork pie on Tuesdays"
"But today is Wednesday" Says the barman
Bloke replies "Shit, i bet I look a right cunt"!
Skip the taxis I'll phone for a coach.Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
You know what? I really couldn't give a fuck!!!
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?"
- 10-07-2012, 13:21 #23
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
- The Happy Farm, feeding the ducks.
A large ugly woman in a sleeveless summer dress walks into a bar, raises her arm, exposing a mass of black curly hair and says. "Which of you gentlemen is going to buy a lady a large whisky?" Everyone in the bar finds something else to look at, so she lifts her arm again and repeats her question.
A little drunk guy sitting at the bar says. "Same again and one for the ballerina, pointing to the arm raiser. She toasts the drunk, downs it in one and goes through the same routine, arm up, "which of you etc.," The little drunk does the honours again. "Same again and one for the ballerina." This carries on most of the afternoon and eventually the barman says to the drunk. Look mate, I think that you're throwing you money away, buying her drinks all afternoon. Still, it's your choice, just tell me one thing though..why do you keep calling her the ballerina ?" The little drunk stares at him owlishly and says. "You tell me if any other woman than a ballerina could lift her leg up over her head."I didn't say it was your fucking fault, I said I was blaming you.
I'm only responsible for what I say...not what you understand.
- 10-07-2012, 13:21 #24
A duck walks into a bar one Monday lunchtime and asks for a pint and a cheese sandwich. The barman is a bit bemused and says to the duck that he has never served a duck before. The duck tells him that he is a master plasterer and has been called in because of major problems with the plastering in a new block of flats being built locally.
The barman pours a pint and gets the duck a cheese sandwich and is about to ask more questions, but the duck takes a pull at his pint and a bite out of the sandwich and produces a copy of the Telegraph from under his wing and settles down to read.
Precisely one hour later the duck walks out, having paid for the beer and sarnie.
Next day the duck comes back to the bar at lunchtime covered in plaster and orders the same as the day before. The barman asks the duck ghow its going and the duck says terrible, the plasterers on this job are a bunch of c***S, then settles down to drink his pint, eat his sarnie and read the paper.
The same thing happens every day with the duck getting more and more pissed off with the workforce in the block of flats.
On Friday the duck is back in the bar at lunchtime and tells the barman he has to return on Monday because all the plasterers he has working for him are useless.
Saturday morning a big bloke in a top hat arrives at the bar and, in stentorian tones, announces that he is the Rrrringmasterrr of a circus which is coming to the town in which the bar is situated. He orders a beer.
The barman asks the ringmaster if he would be interested in meeting a talking duck.
"Know you of such a creature?" Bellows the ringmaster. "I would love to meet this animal".
The barman told the ringmaster that the duck would be in the bar on Monday lunchtime, but the ringmaster produced a gaudy theatrical business card and asks the barman to give it to the duck with instructions to call the ringmaster.
Monday lunchtime the duck arrives in the bar and asks for a pint and a cheese sandwich.
The barman tells the duck about the ringmasters visit and gives him the ringmasters card.
The duck looks puzzled. "A circus you say?"
Yes, says the barman.
"A big tent?" asks the duck.
Yes says the barman
"Cages, with animals?" asks the duck.
Exactly so, says the barman.
"Hmmmm", says the duck, "I wonder why they need a plasterer?"3; 2; 1; Firing NOW.........
3; 2; 1; Firing NOW ........
FFS Pass me the bloody matches.
Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes!
- 10-07-2012, 18:48 #25
A duck walks into a butchers and says to the butcher "got any bread"? The butcher replies " No, this is a butchers shop, I sell meat" The duck says " sorry" and walks out. The next day the duck is back and asks the butcher " got any bread"? The butcher says " I told you yesterday, I don't sell bread" The duck says " sorry" and leaves. The duck goes back to the butchers shop every day for a week and asks if they have got any bread, Finally the butcher loses his temper and says if you come back into my shop and ask for bread, I will nail your feet to the floor. The next day the duck is back and asks the butcher " have you got any nails?" The butcher looks confused and answers " No" The duck then says " well, have you got any bread then"
I'll Get my coat and wait outside for my taxi.
- 10-07-2012, 20:42 #26
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar, talking about how they named their children.
The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's day so naturally we called him George".
The Scotsman says "Well, my wee boy was born on St Andrew's day, so we named him Andrew".
The Irishman says "To be sure a similar thing happend with my son Pancake"."A longer yellow streak than a herd of diuretic camels."
Forget the foreplay, let's have the fag now.