You're joking arent you, this was all just a thought that came into my head this morning.
Trust me I'm thinking what to type as I try and re-cap step by step in my head. Trying to leave out unimportant bits and include the rest.
Sorry if its a bit difficult to read and I know my spelling is pish.
Its hard ad-libbing :D

So there I was outside the hospital, happy as a pig in shite.
I'd done the usual calls and gone back inside.
I went back to our little room to wait for the missus to come out of the recovery suite.
It was a long wait, well it seemed like it, realistically it was probably only about 5 minutes. I remember looking at my newspaper on the table. 18th December 2005.
My mind started wondering but was rudely interrupted by a group of medical staff talking outside my open door, it was'nt difficult to hear what they were saying, so naturally, being a nosey cnut I eavesdropped, I didnt exactly like what I heard though.
''How's the baby that collapsed'' Said a female voice
''Which one?'' responded a male voice
''The C-section''
''Oh yeah, not looking good really''
I remember that conversation as if I'd heard it an hour ago. I was gobsmacked, they meant my son, he was the only C-section, they told me that themselves!
I burst in on their conversation like a thunderflash, much to their horror, I was quickly ushered back into my room and told it was not my son they were talking about, obviously a lie, or was it? I didnt care really they shouldnt have discussed things like that anywhere near me, wether I knew I was there or not! So many emotions raced through my head, what was going on? whats the wait? wheres the missus? wheres my son?
The missus was wheeled into the room shortly after that, thank god she didnt hear what I'd just heard.
She was absolutely fcuked, incoherent, babbling and generally doped up to the eye balls.
A neo-natal nurse poked her head in, she asked if I wanted to see my son, like I was going to say no? I was heading toward neo-natal before she was.
I dont like remembering what I saw when I got to where my son was being tended to. Surrounded by medical staff, I had to fight to catch a glimpse of him.
All I could see was an oxygen mask and more wires than a mains fuse board, I couldnt see him. Just things going in and out of his tiny body.
I couldnt take anymore. I broke down there and then, crying my bloody eyes out, I tried to stop but I couldnt, the sight was too much. I was took to a side room where a nurse tried to console me. She explained what they were doing, why they were doing it.
He was'nt breathing on his own so they had intubated him, they were taking blood samples, inserting a feeding line and putting sensors all over him. It was too much for me, I could'nt calm down, I had to leave.
What do I tell the missus? What do I tell the family? All these questions and I'm on my own, still.
A few hours passed.
By now our families had arrived, it was nice for a bit of company. My son was now in the neo-natal unit proper in his llittle incubator.
He was still covered in wires but at least I could see him, kind of.
The families all wanted to have a look, naturally, I put on a brave face and took them in two at a time, explaining what was what.
He still was'nt breathing on his own, or doing anything really, they were all emotional, but I kept a brave face, the missus still had'nt seen him yet, well apart from a polaroid of him, but she was still out of it to really know anything.
We were all in the HDU, still on the 18th so much had happened so far it was hard to keep track.
The senior consultant from the neo-natal wanted to speak with us.
She explained that he was still not breathing and there were some other problems, to be honest I forget what they were, I just remember that they were treatable, out of nowhere the, usually doped up missus sits straight up and asks the question 'Is he going to die?'
Where that came from I dont know, and still dont to this day, she cant remember even saying it, mothers intuition I suppose.
The doctor could'nt lie to us, her face said it all.
''Until we know exactly what is wrong, we just dont know''
At that, the missus lies back down and falls asleep. Tears all round, I keep a straight face, trying to keep calm and collected. I thanked the doctor and her and her team left.
I was ordered to go back to the missus' mom and dads house by her mom to get a shower and a meal, she was going to stay with her.
I didnt want to, but I didnt have much choice, plus I hadnt slept in 2 days. I needed a break.
Whilst there we had a phonecall from the mum in-law, the doctors had been back.
''He might have severe brain damage'' I was told.
I collapsed in a heap on the floor, a total wreck, I couldnt believe what was happening.
My son might die, the missus is on the brink of death, I might lose everyone!
I went back to the hospital early in the morning.
The missus was still asleep, so I went to the neo-natal unit, I was there for hours, just holding his hand through the window in the incubator. Speaking to the doctors and nurses, listening to them tell me that basically, they dont have a clue whats wrong with him, but he's very poorly. After a while I went to check on the missus, she was getting better, they had upped her dose of blood thinners and was coming off all the painkillers and everything else they had pumped into her. She could atleast hold a conversation now.
She had still not seen her son and would ask me as much as she could about him. There wasnt much to tell that she wanted to hear, the rest I kept to myself.
My routine for the next few days was exactly the same 24 hours a day, I didnt sleep and hardly ate, I was'nt hungry.
She finally got to see our son on the 20th, when she could get into a wheel chair, but she couldnt spend long there, she had to get back to the HDU. We had him christened on the 21st, the saddest one Ive ever been to, just me and the missus and our mums and dads, me and the missus knew what was coming after that.
That night, whilst I was doing my incubator side vigil, he finally opened his eyes, I think I was the only person to ever see them. Funny that.

On the 24th we had our 'final' consultation with the peadiatrician.
They could not confirm what was wrong with him, they had their suspicions but did not want to commit to giving us an answer, fair enough really. But they had concluded that he was not going to get any better.
I shot into an immediate phase of denial, he was getting better, things were looking up, the missus was coming home today, he was moving a bit more, he'd opened his eyes to me more, it just was'nt meant to happen like that.
After I realised the doctors were right, and speaking to her a bit longer, we decided the best thing to do was switch off the intubator and see what happens, we all knew what would happen, but they refused to call it for what it was, switching his life support off.
We had effectively signed his death warrant.

But hang on, it was Christmas eve!
Were not doing it today, its too short notice, we cant do it tomorrow, its Christmas day for fcuk sake we still have our daughter to look after she hasnt seen us properly for weeks.
So the date was set to do it. The 26th. Boxing day We said our good byes and left after that.
We returned on christmas day, for a couple of hours, the nurses had made it as pleasurable as the could, they had knitted little stockings for the incubators and little presents, cardigans, babygrows and such.
I looked around the room, and saw other parents in the same boat as us.
'Im glad were not the only ones' I thought to myself.
That feeling made me feel sick, to be glad others are suffering like we were, but they were better off than us, ther children were'nt going to die tomorrow. I was filled with bitterness, and I hated it. But I managed, as I always do, to cover it all up with a smile. We went home after a while, and enjoyed Christmas with our daughter as best we could.

As much as I tried to fight it, Boxing day still came round. It was an awful day, all the family saying their goodbyes before the machines were disconnected, at least we got to hold him, I even got to feed him, albeit with a syringe, but whatever.
The machines were disconnected, and me and the missus held him in our arms as he fell slowly to sleep. It probably lasted 5-6 hours in all. From us getting there, till we left.
The longest of my life.
The doctor confirmed he had passed away and that was that, done.
Over.
We put him in the incubator, he was going to have to havea post mortem, we needed to know what was wrong.
All I could bring myself to say before I left was
'Look after him''







Fooking hell now THAT was hard to type! :D

Copied from blogs (original entry) - post comments here.

Originally Posted by suits_U

You're joking arent you, this was all just a thought that came into my head this morning.
Trust me I'm thinking what to type as I try and re-cap step by step in my head. Trying to leave out unimportant bits and include the rest.
Sorry if its a bit difficult to read and I know my spelling is pish.
Its hard ad-libbing :D

I take my hat off to you, suits_U. I'm sorry, I'm absolutely cack at expressing my feelings when typing on t'internet, but I definitely had a tear in my eye after finishing Part 4. As for it being diffficult to read ....... it is the EXACT OPPOSITE. You seemed to express your feelings and concerns ..... and even a bit of humour ....... in a very readable way.

I didn't realise you intended to type ALL of it in one day. You must feel drained. And do you feel you have achieved something? And I hope your wife made a full recovery. Take care and thank you. bovvy

I dint think I would get this much done in one day.
Its been emotional to say the least, but strangely satisfying.
Typing it out was difficult for me, trying to piece things together and get them in the right order.
But since then Ive read them back to myself.
I've picked up a few things from what I've wrote so far, things that I may adress in the future, and the other that my spelling is carp.
I've got a few more parts to do yet I think, I got to the middle of my story, I may aswell finish it :D
Thanks for reading and for your comments.
That goes to everyone whos pm'd me too.
Cheers :D S_U

suits_U,

My hat goes off to you and your partner. I had a tear in my eye in work here reading that.

blimey thats got something in my eye. My heart goes out to you mate. am glad you have got through it.

Suits U...I've been there twice. One daughter, one son. Can I recommend the "Still Fathers" web-site. It is focussed on still born children's dads but theese days still born and neo-natal death is recognised as having exactly the same psychological profile. Thank heavens. My uncle had a still born child, who he was a)not allowed to see b)not allowed to grieve for (1950s) and c)not allowed to bury. When my daughter was born, he was at last able to get in touch with all that. It is an ill wind indeed...

Try stillfathers.org

Oh curses, stillfathers.org seems not to be there any more...I guess I had got over needing thenm some time back Suits - which hopefully is a comfort, you do get on mucker, as long as you are focussed on your partner, your family and other stuff but keep in touch with your lost little ones too.

Lots of dust in my office too...

Just like to say to everyone that has posted on here or via PM, well, thankyou to all.
Cuddles, i've not heard of that one myself but I have heard of SANDS.

www.uk-sands.org/

They hold meetings and stuff in and around Birmingham.
Last year they held a candle lighting ceremony at Cannon Hill Park.
The candles were lit and placed onto the lake there and left to burn.
Very emotional, however it was a pleasant day. It was also nice to meet and speak to some other people who had shared a similar experience.
Thanks again to everyone.