ARmy Rumour SErvice

It’s pretty clear that life’s journey is not just about peaks and troughs, but there are many plateaus as well. Sometimes things just tick along very nicely thanks very much. No excitement, no major milestones, no huge disappointments. Just getting on with travelling the road of life. Of course even when you reach a plateau the journey continues. The view still changes and the distance to travel becomes shorter as the starting point recedes into the background of your life. It just doesn’t seem so… significant.

In the last few months my life has been like that. No major, dramatic steps, just gradual changes and more distance covered. I’ve accepted myself, and others around me have as well, some more easily than others. I’m learning more about being myself, and putting my past behind me. Do I want to forget who I was? No, who I was is a major part of who I am. Nothing can change the past, one can only use it to strengthen the future.

I have found that my experience intrigues some people. I have made no secret about what I am going through, and what it means to me, and how I feel about it. I’ve told of my fears, my joys, the struggle with self-realisation and the pain that that can bring. And do you know what? Through telling my story I am achieving things. I’m helping, in my own little way, to combat some of the ignorance that surrounds those in my position.

Back in January I attended the MoD LGBT Forum at JHQ Rheindahlen. It was a two day conference reviewing aspects of being in a small minority group that serves in the Forces and MoD Civil Service. Many of those attending knew me anyway, and I was able to stand up and tell them a little about me, and how my condition has been managed by the Army. And it’s a positive, good news story. I have had very little trouble at all – in fact I can only recall one reaction that could really be described as negative. People are moving with the times it seems, and even if they don’t accept differences, they still tolerate them. I don’t know if that’s because their attitude has changed, or the fact that the world is so PC now that people are worried about saying something. All I do know is that it has made my life easier and more comfortable. Anyway, what I had to say was well received. The following day my wife also stood up to take questions about my changes, and how they affected her. It seems that our open and honest approach has an affect on people, and the word ‘inspiration’ was used a few times. It was never our intention to be inspirational, but if my experience helps someone else, or changes someone else’s viewpoint, then isn’t that something to feel good about?

One of the scariest moments of my Transition from male to female was not, surprisingly, the day I went into work in female mode. It was last month. The day we realised that my hair had thickened and grown to such an extent that I no longer needed to wear a wig. I was aware that my wig had become a safety net. At this early stage in my transition there is much about me that still looks masculine. Even after laser treatment on my face it is still not the soft skin of a female, and the hormones are not some miracle drug that will change me over night. So I wear a concealing make up. And OK, I have breasts – some of which are mine, and some of which are ‘chicken fillets’. Still, the first thing that someone really sees is the hair. My wig gave me an illusion of femininity. It was not perfect (hey, I’m not rich enough for that!). It was a feminine style, and framed my face the way a genetic girl’s hair does. But now my hair was thicker. My wig was not such a good fit any more because of my real hair beneath it, and it was getting tatty. I went into work far more nervous than my first day as a woman. There were a few double takes, and a few people commented, but it seems clear that my fears were unfounded. Let me just explain something here. 9 months ago I was nearly bald on the top of my head, and my hairline was high up, almost to the top of my head. Oh yeah, I also had a No2 all over. Although still not perfect I have enough hair to give an approximation of a feminine style. Still a long way to go, but baby steps, as they say, baby steps.

My treatments have continued in much the same manner that they were before. Regular check ups in London with a Gender Specialist, blood tests, hormone treatment etc. My Testosterone levels are now way, way down, and my oestrogen levels are up. Both levels are similar to those of a genetic girl. Physical growth and changes continue, and my emotional state has settled. I’m happy. I laugh. Lots! I have now reached a stage where I have been referred to a surgeon who will complete the major surgery on me. I’ve heard good reviews of his work, and the hospital (a private hospital, which I will pay for myself…) looks and sounds excellent. I’ll be having my initial consultation with him in April. I hope to be accepted for surgery in October.
I’m just back from Shrivenham. For those that don’t know, Shrivenham is a Joint Service school, near Swindon. One of the courses that run there is the Equality and Diversity Advisor course. I have never enjoyed a course more than this. With a rank range from Sgt to Maj (and light and dark blue, and Civil Service equivalents) there were many people with many views. The discussions were open and honest. The chance to review your own prejudices was very revealing (although the joke about the French should maybe have been kept to myself…). Of course, one of the subjects in the curriculum was the Management of Transgender Service Personnel. I was more than glad to answer questions and to dispel some myths. And educate! A very rewarding course, and I would recommend it to anyone. You never know how far you can open your eyes until they are opened for you. If the chance comes for me to be an instructor on the course, I’d jump at it.

So, anyway. Thanks for indulging me again. If you don’t like what I’ve said, well, I never forced you to read it did I? My journey will continue, I’m sure there will be hills to climb, and there’ll be holes that try and swallow me up. I will carry on up the road. My destination is over the hill in the distance, but I know it’s there.



The map tells me so.






© Legs 2008

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Famous quote, only from highlander mind.

Sean Connery says
"Because you were born different Highlander men will fear you"

Good luck