Thread: The end?

I suppose the best way to start this would be to eplain my background, so here goes.

I left school with half decent GCSE results and the intention of doing A levels. Unfortunately my results were just short of the colleges' entry requirements so I had to take more GCSEs. At the end of my academic year I'd had enough of school and decided to seek employment. After a few interviews and aptitude tests the CITB pointed me towards a manufacturing company who were keen to employ me. I started on a training programme that gave me an insight into various trades such as fitter, bricklayer and electrician, then set to work as a draughtsman for a year. I was also studying at college on day release.

After a few months I decided I wanted to stay in the drawing office. I also changed my engineering discipline from mechanical to electrical. One of the reasons behind this was that it gave me a chance to use a computer instead of a pencil. This was the late eighties and IBM compatible PCs were very expensive and still fairly rare, the company had about half a dozen at the most. My enthusiasm for computers often lead to me asking "what happens if...". By necessity I also got good at fixing computer problems.

When I left that company after 8.5 years they had over 200 computers, the majority assembled, prepped, installed and maintained by myself. It was 1998 and the world was crapping itself about about the Y2K bug. The company was as good as bust, so I decided to jump before I was pushed and went to find something else. Within weeks of leaving I had a job with a blue chip pharmacuetical wholesaler and my salary was now 50% higher. I also got a hefty wedge in travel expenses each month. Good times, I thought, forgetting that every silver lining has a cloud. My cloud was the strange employment situation. You see, I worked for company A but my position and salary was sponsored by company B, both part of a group. The manager whose department paid my salary wasn't happy that I didn't answer to him without question and made things very difficult, starting by sacking my fiance. If that wasn't bad enough, I'd not long found out that she was pregnant.

That job ended unhappily. So did the pregnancy and the relationship. I returned to my home town and began working for a mobile phone company. Within a year I had moved up the ladder to a cushier job, with higher pay and training courses. This continued over the years, more money, better roles, until another cloud appeared. A new customer management system went into use with major faults, and the consultants who designed it had already buggered off with the fat cheque. I know this will be a familiar scenario to many of you. Long story short, I was now working six days a week, every week. I started to lose interest in fixing the same problems every day, and in ever increasing volumes. I usually finished work at between 2000 and 2100, and lived next door to a pub. My usual post work routine was to throw my bag in the door, head to the pub and neck as many pints as I could before closing time, when I would carry 2 or 3 pints home to have with my pizza.

At least I had met a good woman. Sadly she worked a night shift, also 6 days a week, so the only time we saw each other was on Saturday. I began a work to rule, not answering my mobile out of work hours, in protest at the mandatory overtime. Things were coming to a head. One day at work Linda called and said she had lost her job. We were both gutted. I arranged to meet her in a nearby pub during my lunch break. As she explained what had happened I became increasingly angry, and drank fast. When I returned to work I let slip a volley of verbal abuse at a particularly useless employee. About an hour later I was told I was suspended pending an investigation. 5 days later I was sacked.

We both applied to a temping agency and took the highest paying work we could find. I continued applying for It work, but explaining why I left the last job wasn't worth the embarassment when you knew it would also stop your apllication going any further, so after a while I just stopped. We got married, and things were great, for a while. I started training as a plumber, but I hated everything it, and gave up after a year. I went back to short stints in warehouses and factories. I had the chance of a permanent job a one or two, but my heart wasn't in it. There was no job satisfaction, there wasn't even any challenge after the first few weeks or months. I hadn't noticed much of a change in myself, but I was becoming aggressive, sullen and introverted.

I forget what brought me to ARRSE, but in the beginning I only looked in a few areas. As I started to explore, I came across a post on PTSD. After reading information here and other places, it occured to me that I may be experiencing the symptoms. That's us mostly up to date.

I say mostly, because there's just a couple more things to add. My last employment ended nearly six months ago, and I haven't been able to get more work. My wife has been struggling to support us both, but her employment has also been terminated. We are unable to pay the rent and have to vacate the house by Tuesday. She has gone to stay with her son. So, I've lost my wife and my home. It's my fault, no-one else is to blame.

Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble. I'm on the verge of tears as I type this. Not about losing the roof over my head, but about losing a good woman. I'm not expecting anything from anyone who reads this, not even a reply, but if anyone ever asks "What happened to Stokey?", well, now you know what to tell them.

Thanks for your time.

Not the end no, however much it feels like it is.
Just another challenge that you must face head on and survive.
Check your pm's mate

Stokey, I've only "known" you 5 minutes, you're anything but a quitter and I'm sure your tenacity will pull you through this testing time. I really do wish you well mate.

Thank you. Sorry I was a c*nt in the NAAFI.

No mate, in most respects you were probably completely right and I was just too up myself to admit it, so it's me that should be sorry.

Most importantly, don't give in with this mate, I was moved by your account of the way things are, and I'm sure you can get through this.

Hey Stokey, Im still young and have little experience in life but from what i do know you have to keep fighting dont give up its one of those bumps/hurdles you must get over in life it will pass.

From the looks of it how you wrote what you did took balls, there is always jobs no matter how small, crack on fighting mate.

Cal

Stokey -

Good luck, hang in there, and have faith in yourself.

Sarnian

Stokey:

Don't give up hope. There are alternatives available. You could decide to crawl into the bottle and spend your life in an alcoholic haze or you could decide that this is the time to turn your life around, find things to enjoy in life and get on with making things better.

I am not a counselor or a doctor but it sounds like you could use some medical and counseling help. Go get it.

It sounds like you have a good range of job skills. There are people out there who will hire you if you keep plugging. I am sure there are things you enjoy that are not destructive (like drinking), think about what they are and do them.

I had a friend who I was a bit jealous of 20 years ago, he went into commodity trading as a floor trader at an exchange and he made millions. Literally, millions. Then he got into coke. It is hard to make financial transactions when you have Bolivian marching dust up your nose. He lost almost everything. At one point he lost $8million on the trading floor in 2 weeks. He went bankrupt. He was very lucky as his wife stood by him and helped him get clean and sober. He could not get a job in finance but knew he should work and ended up as a paper boy for a few years, driving around wealthy suburbs throwing copies of the Wall Street Journal onto people front steps. Then he got a job supervising paper boys. Now he has his own business. He is nowhere near as rich as he once was but he has a family and he can provide for them. He is a happy man too.

You can bounce back from this. Get help and then start out on a new life on an upward track. You can do it. Talk to family. I don't know you and I am 3000 miles and an ocean away and I care. There are people out there who you know that care too. Don't get defensive, listen to them and think about what they say.

Don't give up. Also, keep us ARRSER's posted on your progress,

Thanks DBOC. A few people have mentioned the booze. I was a heavy drinker 5 or 6 years ago, but only lager, not spirits. I rarely drink now. Last year I probably had less than two dozen pints. Since the 1st of January I have had 4 cans of beer, my wife got them on my birthday.

I had a bit of a cry earlier, seems to have helped. I think I'm going chuck the essentials in my Bergen and tab to another town/county to see if the work situation is any better. If that doesn't pan out I'll keep tabbing and go see the world like I always wanted to.

I've received some very helpful PMs tonight, but I thought that one of them would merit a public reply. No names needed, but someone said "didn't dare mention PTSD as I didn't think I'd earned it".

Like you I've never dared to suggest PTSD because I don't feel I've earned it. I never mobilised but when I first read about PTSD I started to consider possible causes. I began to remember numerous occasions throughout my childhood and up to my mid twenties that could have contributed.

The earliest occasion was I was about 8/9. I was just kicking around on a Sunday afternoon when I was approached by a lad of about 14/15. I vaguely knew him as a neighbour, he lived a few streets away, and I think his younger brother went to my school. He invited me to come visit his gran who had loads of sweets in the house. When we got there she was out, and within 30 seconds so was his cock. He started estimating the size of mine and urged me to follow his example. I was terrified. I had a rabbit in headlights moment, before muttering something about the promised sweets. Eventually he lost interest, put his pork sword away and went to rummage through biscuit tins. After all that all he offered me was a packet of Salt and Vinegar crisps. I made my excuses and got out of there sharpish.

About 4 years later I had a run in with a gang of kids I used to know. Something about school rivalry (like I actually cared, I didn't like my school or anyone elses), me giving them the Vs, them giving me a slapping. More embarassing than painful, but scary at the time I suppose.

I got mugged once. Not much point going into details, but I always beat myself up for not having fought back enough. Same with a random assault in a nightclub a few years later. Someone knocked me to the floor while I was having a slash, then applied his shoe to my face. I was later informed by a witness that the perpetrator was the local psycho hardnut and I'd annoyed him with a funny look.

Add to that a good sprinkling of idiotic dares and lack of road sense that thankfully didn't even leave a mark. I was probably lucky to be alive.

I'm not trying to one-up anyone. Posting in a public forum is helpful, theraputic, It's not a cure but it seems to be a step in the right direction. I'm going to phone the quack on Monday and get the professional ball rolling.

Stokey, PTSD comes in various guises, and what phazes one person doesn't seem to matter to another. From what I gather it is more a cumulative thing, it isn't necessarily just a single incident but the sum of a series. Everyone who has suffered it has earned it, just sometimes you earn it by installments.

Medical support is essential, if the doctor prescribes something for you, then do follow through with the treatment he has prescribed.

I am absolutely 100% confident in saying that things will start to look better when you've had time to think and assimilate your situation. You do have mates, albeit that we may be spread out all over and albeit that we have never met and may never do so. You will bounce back, and it's time to start planning for when (and not if) this happens.

Are you ex forces Stokey?
Are you homeless from tuesday?

believe he is ex TA

Shouldn't the arrse fund be swinging into gear about now then?