- 26-05-2012, 13:26 #1
Declaration of War on France
Declaration of War
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some military equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no ******' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- 26-05-2012, 13:59 #2
How Many Bears Could Bear Grylls Grill, If Bear Grylls Could Grill Bears?
Without women, life would de a pain in the arse.
- 28-05-2012, 08:10 #3
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
- In the Dutsh Poldersh
Its Mr Francois Hollande nowadays, Paddy...Watch out! Kim Jong Il is watching you!
If wars were won by feasting, or, victory by song,
or safety found in sleeping sound, how England would be strong!
But honour and dominion are not maintained so.
They're only got by sword and shot, and this the Dutchmen know!
- 23-10-2012, 19:00 #4
- 23-10-2012, 19:09 #5
Ah, the French battle flag, a white cross on a white background....
Actually, before the revolution it really was, the cross was of glossy white silk and the background a duller white fabric, so they've been practicing for a while!I have a theory that, while the battles the British fight may differ in the widest possible way, they have invariably two common characteristics - they are fought uphill and always at the junction of two or more map sheets.
Field Marshal Sir William Slim, Unofficial History
Every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier...